What's up with me?

So ... this is going to be sort of a different post.

My possibility of a relationship with N is still a possibility. I have not been able to achieve much in that area up to now. :(

I have been through sad and happy times, all this while. There have been times when I have had tremendous loathing for everything, and there have been times when I have been literally (figuratively actually!) floating in the air with joy. I have not been able to sustain any of the two mind states for too long.

I feel very stupid in publishing this right now. Ever since I have started this blog, I have been trying to get her enrolled into a relationship with me, and I have not been too successful. Why do I feel stupid? Because I tell myself that this should never have taken this long. That had I been smart enough, I would have realized this possibility much earlier. And then there are all kinds of excuses and explanations forming in my head that I want to write here .. so that if someone does happen to read this post, he does not think of me as a loser. Wtf? Why do I get all this in my mind? Why do I have to come out bright & shining out of every situation? Why can't I accept things just the way they are? Again .. I am now cursing myself for thinking all that. You realize this vicious circle? That no matter what I do, I will tell my self something dis-empowering, or I'll feel entirely too happy/ elated. I need to be just happy in every situation I face.

Regarding my possibility, here are some things I got present to:

1. I have been thinking all along that she likes me just as much as I like her. And when something is inconsistent with that, or when I interpret something as inconsistent with that, I feel unhappy. I have to accept whatever interaction we have as what it just is. Not add meanings to it. Too many meanings, I tell you, entirely too many meanings have been added! Layers upon layers of meanings!
2. Well .. everything else I had thought of .. all basically boils down to that. Too many meanings have been added, o discerning reader!

Here, I feel great again. Why do I ever EVER stop writing on this blog? Just me writing what I think .. it organizes my thoughts in my mind too ... otherwise they just keep swirling around in my head and I catch glimpses and add something here and there. But the thoughts in the head, no matter how clearly organized they seem, are never exactly well organized.

To organize your thoughts, all you need is some listening space .. in my case this blog. :)

So, no matter how many times she has not picked up my calls (again the need to explain ... she does call back, almost always), I will not give up without going the complete distance. And that my dear, is a promise! :)

Happiness & Destiny

I am happy right now. Much has changed inside me in the last 4 months. I remember the confusion, the pain, the anger and the uncontrolled buzzing of the mind that I had before I attended the Landmark Forum. Even then I realized some things about what was going wrong. But I had no solution to it. And I was absolutely sure that no one else did too. Hence, the Forum did not work like it could have. Although, it did work.

I have been not entirely happy in the last 4 months. I have had flashes of unhappiness too. And then, I felt as nothing good is happening. But, I get this feeling at a lot of times, that whatever happened in the past, was al for some good. I know now, that everything has a time. If things happened before time (as I had wanted), things may not have been same. Things would not have turned out the way they did.

If someone was to ask me 'Do you believe in destiny?'. I would answer yes. But my relationship with Destiny is different. I don't take it as inevitability and feel sad about it. I feel happy about it. I feel there are great things in store for me. And, simultaneously, I realize that there is no destiny. I cause destiny to be the way it is going to be. My Being causes it.

Relationships

I am feeling kind of not so happy right now. Why? Here's the deal:

I met this another girl in the Forum (not the Advanced Course). She seemed very sad and hence I decided I'll stick around with her and cause a breakthrough for her, and help her come out of her grief cycle. Now, what I think actually happened was that she sort for developed some feelings for me on the way. She even asked me somewhat hinting-ly, and I told her clearly that it was not my intention. But I think she did not get my point. After the Forum, I sort of avoided her so that she understands and leaves me alone. But I was also nice to her, so if she texted me or called me, I replied nicely. Then for a while she stopped texting me or whatever, and I thought that maybe she was finally over me. But then 2-3 days back she again texted, we chatted a bit and then she sent me 10 texts at one go. I now think that she is still not over me.

As I wrote on this blog earlier, I also met a girl in the Advanced Course (God ... it seems like that is what happens in the Landmark Education!) whom I liked a lot. Sort of same things happened, though the roles were reversed ... I thought we had a great thing going on between us ... I asked her out twice .. and nothing happened .. she hardly ever called back or anything. Now, try as I might, I can not shake off the feeling that what happened with me was almost exactly what I did with the girl I met in the Forum (let's call her Girl A). And I really really liked Girl B. I am still not over her ... though we hardly have any interaction at all these days.

Why do I feel this way? Well ... because of the similarities. But there are some differences too .. and yet I am not seeing them. Am I avoiding action (with Girl B)?

Here is what I have decided ... I'll complete with Girl A first. Tell her clearly that I have no feeling for her whatsoever. Tell her that I avoided her all this time because I didn't want to fall for me. And I am sorry for that. I know how sad it feels to wait forever. I am in that stage right now with Girl B. At least I'll make Girl A somewhat happy. Cause a completion for her. I know if she actually has something for me ... she'll feel very bad when I break it to her. But in the long run, at least she'll move on and find some one else. At least she'll have a closure on this. I know how much it sucks to be incomplete about something.

So .. this is the first action I'll take to cause a breakthrough in this break-down. At least, the scales that at this moment point out that the two cases are equal will tip in one direction. At least one of the case will have closure. Then I'll see the next step I have to take to cause a closure in the second case.

The Power of Now

I was driving to my office today, when I again I had that feeling .. that I was most happy in the moment and the past did not matter. And I realized how it came about. When I had the feeling, I realized that I am totally happy about who I am right now. There are no grudges or resentments. And since I am happy about who I am right now, my past has to be complete. This is because of our inner feeling that who we are right now is because of the past. If you are at peace with who you are right now, then you can be at peace with everything that happened in the past. If suppose you could change one thing in the past, then you must realize that you will not be what you are right now .. because each event in the past shaped you ... and whether you can see it or not, each event directly or indirectly causes your happiness in the present moment.

Now .. how do you become happy in the present? By realizing that the past does not have any influence over you! That the past was in the past and is not happening right now. Search for happiness in the present moment. And be with it.

I know those two paragraphs are sort of contradictory, but hold on to one of them, and the other one follows. Either be totally complete with the past, so that it stops having any influence on you in the present, or realize that the past can in no way actually have any influence over your present and then find that the past is complete. Either way, realize the power of Now and stop giving power to the Then.

Too often we look for sources of happiness in things outside of us. Like buying new things, adventure, relationships etc. But soon after getting that, unhappiness manifests itself again. And then we again try to look for happiness in our environment. This has no end. Ultimately we will die unhappy or in a state of temporary happiness. The reason is that we feel an incompletion inside of us. The incompletion we try to fill with happiness from where we can get. And yet it never gets filled. Now realize this that there is no incompletion in us. The real us is whole and complete. It is the false identification with the mind/ ego that causes the feeling of incompletion. The Being behind it is whole and complete and that is what you feel when you are happy in the present moment. That feeling eliminates all the unhappiness.

Some time back, whenever I was in the state of happiness in the now, my mind would start thinking something like '... but what about the time when that happened .....?'. That was an attempt from the mind to regain control. Now however, I feel my past is complete, and this question arises less & less. It is an ongoing feeling now ... that the past is complete. But the mind has all the tricks up it's sleeve. So now instead of reminding me what happened in the past, it tries to bring limitations from the past into my future. It tries to tell me how I will fail. And temporarily, I feel fear. But then I realize that does it really matter? How can anything make me unhappy or affect me in any way? When I am happy and that happiness is not a function of anything happening on the outside, then nothing in the future too can make me unhappy. The trick is to make this feeling a belief. An unshakable belief.

And then again, the smallest of unhappiness manifests itself in some corner of my mind, without me even being aware of it. And it first starts diminishing the happiness in the now. I only realize it when I feel the smile on my face vanish and my energy drop a bit. But it is so small, that I can hardly feel it. It is only that I do not feel the same ecstasy that I felt in the morning. I mean either I have gotten used to that feeling or there is something trivial at the back of my mind. One of the two. Nothing a bit of mind exercise can not solve.

Enrollment

Right since the advanced course, I have been hearing a lot of the word enrollment. Both in the advanced course, and the seminar series, they kept telling us to have enrollment conversations with people in our lives. An enrollment conversation is a conversation which leaves the listener touched, moved and inspired.

Unintentionally, I have had a lot of enrollment conversations in the last few weeks. I realize that I no longer have problems with sharing my thoughts and feelings with anyone else. I shared a lot with a friend recently, and then with a cousin. And after sharing, it feels amazing. I always thought that people would view you from the past, when you share the past. But people view you as a person who can authentically share his past, and not be affected by it. They also then get authentic. Then the in-authenticities in the space are dropped. My friend now shares with me things she would have never told me before.

Another thing happened. I told this friend and my cousin that I really liked that girl and would love to have a relationship with her. I told them the entire thing. The result is that now I have my own personal coaches who keep advising me on the next thing to do! They are now my support structure. Whenever I feel down, or lost, help is just a phone call away. And that is simply amazing. I also realized a lot of what could have happened between me and that girl, which led to me still waiting for her. Of course it is an interpretation, but I choose to live by that. I think I am very close to achieving this possibility now.

An all together different communication channel opens up when you share authentically. But I think authentic sharing can only come when you are complete with your past. By completion I mean that you no longer resent your past. That there is no pain in the past.

I had an amazing experience this week. I was sitting, waiting for someone, when I realized that when I look back in my life, everything seems perfect. Every time I have ever felt sad in my life or unhappy with a particular situation in the past, I can now see that I learnt a lot in that period. Had I not been fat for most of my life, I would not have been what I am now .. and that is not something I am saying just to complete my past (that would never work). I am writing how I felt. My whole intelligence, my personality was developed because of things like ... like I used found it convenient to read a book rather than go out to play .. and other stuff like that.

In college, once I told a girl I really liked her and she was like "what?". Ever since that was incomplete for me. I felt weird and stupid about the whole thing. I completed with that girl after the forum, and even the whole incident for me is complete now. I know how much I learnt from that experience. And of course .. all this was in the past. None of it is happening right now. Earlier, whenever I would remember any part of that, I would feel stupid and would want to forget it instantly. Now, it doesn't even come up. I realize I did some stupid things and know why I did them. I have no issues about that thing. I am comfortable with it being in my past.

I have never been a religious person. In fact, I gave up on believing God when I was in school. After school, I have largely been confused about the subject. I sometimes felt that there is some Force that drives us, that is the cause of everything. But I refused to believe that there is an old guy up there. After I felt completed with my past, I sort of reconnected with that view. I felt as if everything happened as per some plan. Some larger design. And I then dropped worrying at that moment. If I see my past as great, I can leave it that. When the future becomes the past, it will be great too. I, hence, completed with my God too.

Stories & Reality

I take a step back and look at all the stories forming in my head. The constant need of the mind to identify with some pain or a problem. Cooking up stories to make the problem real. I can hear it still, calling me from the background, trying to convince me the reality of it's stories. It wants me back. It wants me to believe in its stories and realize how real they are. So that I can feel the pain. Association with the pain fuels it. Strengthens its presence.

Whatever happened to dropping it? I have been trying to drop it since the morning, but was not being successful in it. I'll try to do it right now.

What is my possibility? A relationship with her. Then what is the issue? Where is the unhappiness in that? Nowhere! When I stand in that possibility, then I'll not let anything come in between. Nothing at all.

Embrace the Pain

In my last post, I wrote about the dialog from Revolver: "Embrace the pain and you will win this game". Although I have not been thinking about it, I have come to some conclusions about it. I have learnt much since the last time I wrote here, and yet it is still a long way to go. It may not be knowledge that I need more, but awareness.

I realized today that whenever I am identifying with the pain, I always feel weird/ awkward/ stupid etc. In general, I feel bad whenever I am identifying with my pain. When I say identification with the pain, what I mean is that I feel pain of the past as real. Like it is happening right now. I imagine possible outcomes of future dealings to be against me, and feel their pain right now. And the moment I do that, I want to run away from the situation. If the pain is anticipated in the future, I don't want to do that thing. If the pain is in the past, then I want to forget it. I do not mean here that one should keep remembering it, you should be aware of the fact that it was in the past. That there is no pain in the now unless you choose to bring it. Why do we choose to bring on pain in the now when we are actually trying to avoid the pain? But really, what we are bringing in the now is not the pain, but the pleasure of identifying with the pain. What is the pleasure in identifying with the pain? The pleasure of not taking action. The pleasure of not taking responsibility for your future actions. The pleasure of being 'right'.

The pain you expect in the future also comes from the past. The reason you feel afraid of the pain in the future is because you know from the past that the future situation could be painful. A small child approaches the fire & food with equal eagerness, because he does not have the past to inform him about where the pain lies. He just feels the happiness in trying to explore something new.

When I feel happiness call me into the future, there is no hesitation. There is a thrill in going forward. The happiness calls you powerfully. So, I learn, whenever in doubt about the future, connect with the happiness that awaits you. Feel it call powerfully. And then be in the Now. Do not rely on the past. Be complete about the past. In the above example, if the kid learns that there is no happiness in walking into fire, then he will not do it. If he identifies with the pain, then he'll be afraid.

This is it, and it is perfect. From nothing, who I am right now is the possibility of happiness & transformation. Simple yet profound. Change what calls you into the future, and you change your relationship with future itself.

Ah ... I feel light in my mind again. Why did I ever stop blogging?!?!

In everything I see in the recent past when I have felt the energy for something go out, I know that it was because I was just looking at the pain in store for me. Not the happiness.

Trying to get up in the morning has been so tough recently. While getting up, I think 'who wants to early morning for a jog and get tired?'. I need to look at it from the point of how much happy a fit me will make me. Let that call me into action.

In the office, I do not want to work because I feel that there is no point. I stop living in the Now then. I put the pain from my past, into the future, and destroy the now. If I just look at the happiness in store for me at the end of my life, my career, each day, I will not feel that this has no point. The point does not matter. Because I am not doing it for any point. I am doing it for my happiness that I know is there. I hear my inner voice again "but there is no happiness in this ..". And I say "how do you know?". There has to be happiness when I want it. I'll create it out of thin air. :-)

The problem is trying to locate the source of the happiness in the future. Just know that to get happy you need to do it. Not because there is happiness somewhere and you need to struggle for it. Each moment is happiness. The journey is full of happiness, not only the destination. And the journey is right Now. Do not think that the happiness is out there. Happiness is right here. Feel it now and feel it call you into action every moment. When there is happiness now, you cannot be stopped by any pain in the future. The happiness in the Now kills any identification with the pain. Then everything is a game and you want to play every moment, and play hard!

So ... here is what I say.

In everything, every moment, try to find the happiness in the now. Search for it like you lost something precious. Want it like you would want air if you were drowning. Don't change what you are doing, there is happiness in everything. Change how you feel about it. Or even, do not change it, be present to how you feel about it. The identification with the pain will dissolve automatically, and what will be left is happiness & zest. Find this happiness in each moment and there you will have it, your enlightenment.