My possibility of a relationship with N is still a possibility. I have not been able to achieve much in that area up to now. :(
I have been through sad and happy times, all this while. There have been times when I have had tremendous loathing for everything, and there have been times when I have been literally (figuratively actually!) floating in the air with joy. I have not been able to sustain any of the two mind states for too long.
I feel very stupid in publishing this right now. Ever since I have started this blog, I have been trying to get her enrolled into a relationship with me, and I have not been too successful. Why do I feel stupid? Because I tell myself that this should never have taken this long. That had I been smart enough, I would have realized this possibility much earlier. And then there are all kinds of excuses and explanations forming in my head that I want to write here .. so that if someone does happen to read this post, he does not think of me as a loser. Wtf? Why do I get all this in my mind? Why do I have to come out bright & shining out of every situation? Why can't I accept things just the way they are? Again .. I am now cursing myself for thinking all that. You realize this vicious circle? That no matter what I do, I will tell my self something dis-empowering, or I'll feel entirely too happy/ elated. I need to be just happy in every situation I face.
Regarding my possibility, here are some things I got present to:
- I have been thinking all along that she likes me just as much as I like her. And when something is inconsistent with that, or when I interpret something as inconsistent with that, I feel unhappy. I have to accept whatever interaction we have as what it just is. Not add meanings to it. Too many meanings, I tell you, entirely too many meanings have been added! Layers upon layers of meanings!
- Well .. everything else I had thought of .. all basically boils down to that. Too many meanings have been added, o discerning reader!
Here, I feel great again. Why do I ever EVER stop writing on this blog? Just me writing what I think .. it organizes my thoughts in my mind too ... otherwise they just keep swirling around in my head and I catch glimpses and add something here and there. But the thoughts in the head, no matter how clearly organized they seem, are never exactly well organized.
To organize your thoughts, all you need is some listening space .. in my case this blog. :)
So, no matter how many times she has not picked up my calls (again the need to explain ... she does call back, almost always), I will not give up without going the complete distance. And that my dear, is a promise! :)
