I will tell you a secret. Secretly, I have always wanted a romantic relationship. Even though I never cared to admit it to anyone. To the extent that I pretended just the opposite, that I did not want it.
So .. if I always wanted it, why didn't it happen?
Well .. from what I can see from my life .. I have always thought of a relationship as something that'll give me a lot of power. How? Well .. I always thought that in a relationship, the girl will go crazy for me because of who I am and what I do. I wanted appreciation, not love, from the relationship. And in turn, I always appreciated someone I really liked.
Well, it never worked for me! :)
Now that I am in a relationship, I realize that it is not about that. It is about loving someone and being loved. And that is it. It is an amazing feeling. It is about wanting to love someone, care for them.
I distinguished that somewhat during my Advanced Course itself, but it is crystal clear now.
My Past
Lots of things happened since I last posted. The girl I was crazy for (since the inception of this blog) .. well .. it didn't quite work out with her. And after sometime, I thought I was over her ... but somewhere I was incomplete I guess. Not with her, but with what happened. I took a decision based on what happened and took it into my life. And I didn't even know I had taken that decision.
When things didn't work out with her, I took the decision that I'll never be so crazy for someone. The decision that opening that 'love channel' in your heart only causes pain. So, after that, all I wanted from a relationship was fun without pain. And I was looking for a fling. No emotional attachment from my side. I was ready to feign attachment to be physically intimate with another person. In my mind, physical intimacy had become equal to love, and this way there was no pain involved (or so I thought). Since I was happy, I didn't even realize what was happening.
One of my very close friends is exactly in the same space. He had a break-up from a long time girlfriend, and he decided that it was no use being emotionally involved with someone. I guess it was when I met him that I took that decision too. One day he told me that even this was not working for him. He gets bored with the people that he is already in a relationship with, and he is always wanting to be with someone. He was still suffering in some way. But his answer to it was doing more of what he was doing. And I thought that it definitely cannot happen to me.
Then along came this girl, R. I was attracted to her from day 1. We shared an amazing chemistry. But ... somewhere I knew she wanted emotional attachment, and hence I didn't even realize when I gave up on her.
So, one day, she told me that she had feelings for me. And I was confused. I liked her a lot, and yet something was stopping me. I told her that I liked her, but was confused. To summarize, I told her it cannot happen.
For the first time I realized that something wasn't right inside me. I didn't know where the confusion inside me was arising from. What was so unclear to me?
She was leaving town for 10 days the next day. And I kept on thinking what made me tell her that I didn't want it. I knew that I really liked her. But my mind kept throwing arbitrary reasons to me. I could see through the reasons, but still, it didn't feel right. My mind desperately wanted to cling on to a reason.
When she was just about to leave her house for the station, I knew I had to take action. I couldn't live with the confusion for 10 days. I called her up and told her to meet me, that I'll take her to the station. I still wasn't clear as to what I wanted. But I was clear that I liked her. And I think she was clear about that too. I told her I was not sure about committing to her. And she said that that won't do ... I had to come up with a yes or a no.
And I kept thinking all the way to the station, then in our run to the train. When we got up that train, I hugged her and she hugged me. A tight hug, one that said so much and felt wonderful. She communicated something to me with that one hug. Made me feel something wonderful. But I was still resisting inside me. But that hug changed something inside me definitely, right there and right then. A few minutes later just when the train was about to leave, I hugger her again and gave her a kiss on the cheek.
After that, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. Initially I thought it was the physical intimacy, but I knew instantly that it wasn't. By the evening, I had come face to face with the decision I had made 2 months ago. The decision 'emotions = pain'. I realized it, and dropped it. And I felt the most wonderful feeling inside me. I felt a longing for her like I had never felt before for anyone.
Took my mind one day more to completely 'get it'. But now .. I have got it. I think I love her. Where we go from here is our choice entirely.
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