So .. what is my latest problem of life? The girl (Surprise. :|)
Well .. the problem starts by she convincing me that she will get married if I don't do something .. and me agreeing to marriage. Actually, that is not the problem. :)
I was very happy after a certain time. Initially, it was too weird for me to accept. But once I accepted it, a beautiful future was in front of me. My mom was too happy, it seemed perfect. But ... BUT!!!!!!!!
So we got to talking and creating a future. And lo ... differences!
Actually, what I have felt for her all along has been very different from what I had imagined. I attribute it to the fact that I never worked hard to get her .. she fell for me .. I liked her .. said yes. I think, had I worked hard to get her, I would have realized her value. Don't get me wrong, I still like her a lot, she is awesome ... but I somehow always get the feeling that something is missing in the relationship. Sometimes .. I just want to be single again. Now, as I am writing this, I am realizing how much I like her and how much I love her too. But somehow, there are so many times, when I do not feel that love for her.
I said yes to the marriage only because I didn't want her to go anywhere. I thought that the way we are together is awesome ... and I may never have it this good again. And still ... I don't quite feel it.
Right now, I am just writing whatever is coming to my mind, so that I can organize my thoughts.
So .. the differences now:
1. She is too ambitious and would love to do lots of work after marriage. I would like that she spends some time at home, with my mother maybe. I know I am being selfish, but that is how I have always pictured it. Actually, now I am just making myself wrong. I am going to stop doing that. I know my mom is really really alone, and she was so happy after I said Ill marry. I don't want her to remain that way forever.
2. I am afraid I'll lose her to her ambition one day.
3. I am afraid that when she says 'she wants to earn money and be independent', it means that whenever I try to tell her something, she'll not listen to me because she doesn't need to. She is free from her parents, and is also earning now. She'll be completely independent and will not even consider what I have to say. On the other hand, the way I am, I cannot be tit-for-tat. If she tells me something, I'll listen, and just to make her happy, do it even. I won't like myself for doing that.
4. I find her trying to 'use' love to get some things done from me. I hate it. I think I am a fool to fall for it (my act springs it's ugly head again!). I don't want to be vulnerable like this. Hence I feel that if I marry someone submissive, yet loving, she will never think of doing anything like this. Or rather, I'll never feel that way.
5. She is a lot like my mother. I feel that slowly, I'll become my father, and she my mother. I'll hate it if that happens.
6. Sometimes I feel smothered in this relationship. Her expectations of 'goodness' from me tend to smother me. I am good, genuinely nice even maybe. But I do it out of love, and only when I feel like it. I don't want someone to expect that behaviour from me. I don't want someone to love me for that alone. Because I know for a fact that I can not be like that forever. There will be times when I become really angry, and if at that time she threatens me that she can walk out or something, just because she has got the money, well ... that'll really hurt me.
7. I feel that after some time I will be the only one making all the effort in the relationship ... hiding my own feelings because revealing them will mean I am weak .. and I don't want to be the weak one in this relationship. Hmmm ... I think I find her a little dominating, and I don't like it. So I try to avoid all the situations in which I will come across as someone who can be easily dominated. That is why probably I don't want her to be 'independent' and all that shit.
Shit! That is it I think.
Why do I find her dominating?
She cries, she loves, she cares, she worries ..... then why?
I am afraid that my good nature will be taken advantage of. That when I allow her to do something out of love, she will think of it as my weakness, and try to take advantage of it.
Now, I am a person who wants to avoid a fight at any cost. Avoid fights, avoid tensions, avoid the hurt other people inflict and the hurt of hurting other people. But I don't want someone to think of it as my weakness. Think of me as soft.
Who in my life thought of me as soft?
Was it my dad?
Where is this coming from?
I know he thinks of my mom as too soft, because she is too emotional. And lo .. that is why I am so afraid to be labelled as too soft. Incompletion with my dad? How do I complete it?
My mind want to stop this enquiry right now and stop thinking in that direction ... I just feel like doing absolutely something else right now. Any thing else. Why?
I think my dad became this way because of my Grand Dad and because of the life he led.
But I must focus on the incompletion.
I know that all my life I have just tried to prove to my dad. All my life I have wanted him to be proud of me. To be more proud of me than he is of himself.
I thought getting into DCE was enough, but it didn't compare to the IITs.
I know he loves me. He is too caught up in his own web ... he can't show emotions now ... not after professing against it all his life. That is why he wanted me to do the Forum probably. Who knows? Maybe he didn't want me to go the same way as him.
I love my mom & dad. Period.
I feel much better after writing this post. :)
Also, 2 people from my life are doing the Landmark Forum as I write, and one is doing the Advanced Course.
One of them sent me a message saying that I was his best friend.
What an awesome feeling.
Heart-felt gratitude.
No comments:
Post a Comment