In the world of possibility again!

So I just happened to read what somebody shared on a blog, about what he got from the Forum. Also, in the last 2-3 weeks, 3 very important people from my life have attended the Forum. I have gained a lot in that process. Final breakthrough coming in the assisting yesterday and in reading the sharing today.

So, with the girl I wrote about in my last post .. OMG .. I was running so many rackets! I used to feel that she dominates me. In fact, now I am realizing that I used to look for reasons to support this theory of mine. And just now I called her and told her that I really really loved her. This is complete for me now. :) :)

My racket was that she dominates me. The impact of this was that I felt confused, unsure, depressed & unsatisfied. I was so caught up in it ... I knew I loved her, but somehow this always stopped me from it. I wanted her, but the moment she started coming too close, I would back-off. Whoa! Saved in time!

The pay-offs were that I got the right to dominate, and be right about doing that. I got the right to blame her for whatever was not working in our relationship.

The truth is, she is the way she is. And she loves me so much ... soooo much. She loves me for who I am, the way I am. She has never tried to change even one thing in me. And we are so amazing together. In fact, we are an awesome team together, and awesome couple. :)

Right now, my little voice is telling me that 'ok ... good .. very good ... but for how long? What about when she does that .... and that ...'. Well I say, STFU little voice. You've played enough. I am not listening to you now. At the end of the day, I am responsible for what this relationship has become ... for all the strains in it. And I'll be the one to undo all that. I'll cause this relationship to be perfect.

My possibility is a perfect, loving relationship with her. I am declaring that I'll marry her, no matter what the concerns or breakdowns.

It has been ages since I felt what I am feeling right now. I love this work. :)

Organize

Hmm ... too tense, I am, these days (#Yoda).

So .. what is my latest problem of life? The girl (Surprise. :|)

Well .. the problem starts by she convincing me that she will get married if I don't do something .. and me agreeing to marriage. Actually, that is not the problem. :)

I was very happy after a certain time. Initially, it was too weird for me to accept. But once I accepted it, a beautiful future was in front of me. My mom was too happy, it seemed perfect. But ... BUT!!!!!!!!

So we got to talking and creating a future. And lo ... differences!

Actually, what I have felt for her all along has been very different from what I had imagined. I attribute it to the fact that I never worked hard to get her .. she fell for me .. I liked her .. said yes. I think, had I worked hard to get her, I would have realized her value. Don't get me wrong, I still like her a lot, she is awesome ... but I somehow always get the feeling that something is missing in the relationship. Sometimes .. I just want to be single again. Now, as I am writing this, I am realizing how much I like her and how much I love her too. But somehow, there are so many times, when I do not feel that love for her.

I said yes to the marriage only because I didn't want her to go anywhere. I thought that the way we are together is awesome ... and I may never have it this good again. And still ... I don't quite feel it.

Right now, I am just writing whatever is coming to my mind, so that I can organize my thoughts.

So .. the differences now:

1. She is too ambitious and would love to do lots of work after marriage. I would like that she spends some time at home, with my mother maybe. I know I am being selfish, but that is how I have always pictured it. Actually, now I am just making myself wrong. I am going to stop doing that. I know my mom is really really alone, and she was so happy after I said Ill marry. I don't want her to remain that way forever.

2. I am afraid I'll lose her to her ambition one day.

3. I am afraid that when she says 'she wants to earn money and be independent', it means that whenever I try to tell her something, she'll not listen to me because she doesn't need to. She is free from her parents, and is also earning now. She'll be completely independent and will not even consider what I have to say. On the other hand, the way I am, I cannot be tit-for-tat. If she tells me something, I'll listen, and just to make her happy, do it even. I won't like myself for doing that.

4. I find her trying to 'use' love to get some things done from me. I hate it. I think I am a fool to fall for it (my act springs it's ugly head again!). I don't want to be vulnerable like this. Hence I feel that if I marry someone submissive, yet loving, she will never think of doing anything like this. Or rather, I'll never feel that way.

5. She is a lot like my mother. I feel that slowly, I'll become my father, and she my mother. I'll hate it if that happens.

6. Sometimes I feel smothered in this relationship. Her expectations of 'goodness' from me tend to smother me. I am good, genuinely nice even maybe. But I do it out of love, and only when I feel like it. I don't want someone to expect that behaviour from me. I don't want someone to love me for that alone. Because I know for a fact that I can not be like that forever. There will be times when I become really angry, and if at that time she threatens me that she can walk out or something, just because she has got the money, well ... that'll really hurt me.

7. I feel that after some time I will be the only one making all the effort in the relationship ... hiding my own feelings because revealing them will mean I am weak .. and I don't want to be the weak one in this relationship. Hmmm ... I think I find her a little dominating, and I don't like it. So I try to avoid all the situations in which I will come across as someone who can be easily dominated. That is why probably I don't want her to be 'independent' and all that shit.

Shit! That is it I think.

Why do I find her dominating?

She cries, she loves, she cares, she worries ..... then why?

I am afraid that my good nature will be taken advantage of. That when I allow her to do something out of love, she will think of it as my weakness, and try to take advantage of it.

Now, I am a person who wants to avoid a fight at any cost. Avoid fights, avoid tensions, avoid the hurt other people inflict and the hurt of hurting other people. But I don't want someone to think of it as my weakness. Think of me as soft.

Who in my life thought of me as soft?

Was it my dad?

Where is this coming from?

I know he thinks of my mom as too soft, because she is too emotional. And lo .. that is why I am so afraid to be labelled as too soft. Incompletion with my dad? How do I complete it?

My mind want to stop this enquiry right now and stop thinking in that direction ... I just feel like doing absolutely something else right now. Any thing else. Why?

I think my dad became this way because of my Grand Dad and because of the life he led.

But I must focus on the incompletion.

I know that all my life I have just tried to prove to my dad. All my life I have wanted him to be proud of me. To be more proud of me than he is of himself.

I thought getting into DCE was enough, but it didn't compare to the IITs.

I know he loves me. He is too caught up in his own web ... he can't show emotions now ... not after professing against it all his life. That is why he wanted me to do the Forum probably. Who knows? Maybe he didn't want me to go the same way as him.

I love my mom & dad. Period.

I feel much better after writing this post. :)

Also, 2 people from my life are doing the Landmark Forum as I write, and one is doing the Advanced Course.

One of them sent me a message saying that I was his best friend.

What an awesome feeling.

Heart-felt gratitude.

Problem of Life

It is amazing how the mind functions. It always needs some problem to work on. Always!

So here is a quick re-cap of the current situation at hand. Me & the girl, we both like each other a lot. What we have between us is in fact too good to be true. I keep falling for her, and she says it is too easy for her to fall in love with me. But (and there is always a but, isn't it?), her parents want her to get married as soon as possible, and I feel that I cannot marry so soon. I mean I can, but (but!) I don't know how this relationship will proceed and how will the things be 6 months from now. So I do not want to commit now, and regret later.

So, we hit on the 'friends with benefits' formula. No commitment, no heart-break, just being really good friends and physical intimacy. But, I can not help falling in love with her. Nor can she I guess. And we return to the same problem again. If I fall in love with her, I'll not be able to see her get married to anyone else, or go away from me. So, you see, I want to have my cake and eat it too.

Hmm ..

I must realize that it is my decision to not to marry too soon. So I will be the one who will bear all the consequences.
No one knows what will happen tomorrow. Why affect today for what will be tomorrow? Maybe I'll not like her as much after a couple of months. Maybe we both don't like each other after a certain amount of time. Why consider only that one possibility? Why would she suddenly get married when she hasn't done so in the last 2 years of immense pressure from everyone? And ... maybe she will. So what? That is not the only possibility.

There is actually no problem in the now. NOW IS PERFECT. This is it, and it is perfect. What future I am imagining right now is coming from the past. The fear that I'll again be left with unrequited love ... it stems from the past. It is not happening right now. What I have right now is simply beautiful.

It is the mind. It always needs a problem to work on. I call it the 'Problem of Life'. Something that occupies the mind completely. All it wants is to think about it all day long, to work on it, to come up with a solution for it. Doesn't happen. One problem gets solved, you get another one at hand. Each time the mind makes us believe, this is not it. That there is more to it. That this is not what you wanted. So it creates a problem, and then wants to spend time solving it. True story.

And you simply cannot escape it. The mind is programmed for survival. It wants to survive in every situation. Trying to think of all possible situations which can happen, trying to prepare itself for it. But to prepare itself, it has to make that imagined situation real. And in that process, our emotional side also springs into action. It makes us unhappy. The situation hasn't happened as yet, but we already start living in it. And make ourselves unhappy.

That is why they tell you to create a big problem for yourself. A problem in whose comparison all these other problems fade away. A problem worthy of your life.

Love & intimacy

I realized just now that there is another very important thing I got from Landmark Education.

I will tell you a secret. Secretly, I have always wanted a romantic relationship. Even though I never cared to admit it to anyone. To the extent that I pretended just the opposite, that I did not want it.

So .. if I always wanted it, why didn't it happen?

Well .. from what I can see from my life .. I have always thought of a relationship as something that'll give me a lot of power. How? Well .. I always thought that in a relationship, the girl will go crazy for me because of who I am and what I do. I wanted appreciation, not love, from the relationship. And in turn, I always appreciated someone I really liked.

Well, it never worked for me! :)

Now that I am in a relationship, I realize that it is not about that. It is about loving someone and being loved. And that is it. It is an amazing feeling. It is about wanting to love someone, care for them.

I distinguished that somewhat during my Advanced Course itself, but it is crystal clear now.

My Past

Lots of things happened since I last posted. The girl I was crazy for (since the inception of this blog) .. well .. it didn't quite work out with her. And after sometime, I thought I was over her ... but somewhere I was incomplete I guess. Not with her, but with what happened. I took a decision based on what happened and took it into my life. And I didn't even know I had taken that decision.

When things didn't work out with her, I took the decision that I'll never be so crazy for someone. The decision that opening that 'love channel' in your heart only causes pain. So, after that, all I wanted from a relationship was fun without pain. And I was looking for a fling. No emotional attachment from my side. I was ready to feign attachment to be physically intimate with another person. In my mind, physical intimacy had become equal to love, and this way there was no pain involved (or so I thought). Since I was happy, I didn't even realize what was happening.

One of my very close friends is exactly in the same space. He had a break-up from a long time girlfriend, and he decided that it was no use being emotionally involved with someone. I guess it was when I met him that I took that decision too. One day he told me that even this was not working for him. He gets bored with the people that he is already in a relationship with, and he is always wanting to be with someone. He was still suffering in some way. But his answer to it was doing more of what he was doing. And I thought that it definitely cannot happen to me.

Then along came this girl, R. I was attracted to her from day 1. We shared an amazing chemistry. But ... somewhere I knew she wanted emotional attachment, and hence I didn't even realize when I gave up on her.

So, one day, she told me that she had feelings for me. And I was confused. I liked her a lot, and yet something was stopping me. I told her that I liked her, but was confused. To summarize, I told her it cannot happen.

For the first time I realized that something wasn't right inside me. I didn't know where the confusion inside me was arising from. What was so unclear to me?

She was leaving town for 10 days the next day. And I kept on thinking what made me tell her that I didn't want it. I knew that I really liked her. But my mind kept throwing arbitrary reasons to me. I could see through the reasons, but still, it didn't feel right. My mind desperately wanted to cling on to a reason.

When she was just about to leave her house for the station, I knew I had to take action. I couldn't live with the confusion for 10 days. I called her up and told her to meet me, that I'll take her to the station. I still wasn't clear as to what I wanted. But I was clear that I liked her. And I think she was clear about that too. I told her I was not sure about committing to her. And she said that that won't do ... I had to come up with a yes or a no.

And I kept thinking all the way to the station, then in our run to the train. When we got up that train, I hugged her and she hugged me. A tight hug, one that said so much and felt wonderful. She communicated something to me with that one hug. Made me feel something wonderful. But I was still resisting inside me. But that hug changed something inside me definitely, right there and right then. A few minutes later just when the train was about to leave, I hugger her again and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

After that, I just couldn't stop thinking about her. Initially I thought it was the physical intimacy, but I knew instantly that it wasn't. By the evening, I had come face to face with the decision I had made 2 months ago. The decision 'emotions = pain'. I realized it, and dropped it. And I felt the most wonderful feeling inside me. I felt a longing for her like I had never felt before for anyone.

Took my mind one day more to completely 'get it'. But now .. I have got it. I think I love her. Where we go from here is our choice entirely.

The first December post

I think this will be my only post in December. Even though I have felt great every time I have written anything on this blog, I have not written here too often in the last 2 months. From my last post "To organize your thoughts, all you need is some listening space .. in my case this blog".

I have gotten a lot in the past 4 - 5 months. I no longer have too many problems from my past-before-the-Forum. So many things are complete for me now. Heck, I hardly ever even think about it. And, I was struggling with this even after the Advanced Course. What I can realize now is, that if in your thought cycles, you reinforce again & again that your past is complete and that you have no problems from the past, it'll happen. Similar to anything else you wish to reinforce in your mind. You reinforce your thought patterns with negative stuff .. you'll become it. You feed positive stuff to it, you'll become that. And it is very difficult to catch the mind when it is feeding on the negative stuff. You just feel not entirely too happy .. and you start dealing with what is not making you happy. The 'what' being out there, not in here. And when you deal with what is out there, the mind will start feeding more stuff to itself in here. Slowly, these thought patterns become stronger and gain prominence ... under the cover of what is out there. You'll keep thinking about what is out there, and lo! You are perfectly grumpy by then.

Most often the thought pattern I have caught in me is 'I am not good enough'. It would always spring-up in the face of a perceived failure and would reinforce itself in each thought cycle. And when you are being 'I am not good enough', that being produces results that are not good enough. And the results then reinforce your thoughts to even a greater extent.

"You've heard that voice for so long, you believe it to be you".

Why not believe something positive then? Why not believe that you are limitless? Why not believe that everyone in this world loves you (no matter how they show it), and you love them in turn? Why not believe that you are, beyond all doubt, awesome, and so is everyone else?!

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Hmm .. maybe I should have one post daily here. Just a recap of what happened in the day .. and things I got present to. Just to organize my thoughts a bit.

What's up with me?

So ... this is going to be sort of a different post.

My possibility of a relationship with N is still a possibility. I have not been able to achieve much in that area up to now. :(

I have been through sad and happy times, all this while. There have been times when I have had tremendous loathing for everything, and there have been times when I have been literally (figuratively actually!) floating in the air with joy. I have not been able to sustain any of the two mind states for too long.

I feel very stupid in publishing this right now. Ever since I have started this blog, I have been trying to get her enrolled into a relationship with me, and I have not been too successful. Why do I feel stupid? Because I tell myself that this should never have taken this long. That had I been smart enough, I would have realized this possibility much earlier. And then there are all kinds of excuses and explanations forming in my head that I want to write here .. so that if someone does happen to read this post, he does not think of me as a loser. Wtf? Why do I get all this in my mind? Why do I have to come out bright & shining out of every situation? Why can't I accept things just the way they are? Again .. I am now cursing myself for thinking all that. You realize this vicious circle? That no matter what I do, I will tell my self something dis-empowering, or I'll feel entirely too happy/ elated. I need to be just happy in every situation I face.

Regarding my possibility, here are some things I got present to:

1. I have been thinking all along that she likes me just as much as I like her. And when something is inconsistent with that, or when I interpret something as inconsistent with that, I feel unhappy. I have to accept whatever interaction we have as what it just is. Not add meanings to it. Too many meanings, I tell you, entirely too many meanings have been added! Layers upon layers of meanings!
2. Well .. everything else I had thought of .. all basically boils down to that. Too many meanings have been added, o discerning reader!

Here, I feel great again. Why do I ever EVER stop writing on this blog? Just me writing what I think .. it organizes my thoughts in my mind too ... otherwise they just keep swirling around in my head and I catch glimpses and add something here and there. But the thoughts in the head, no matter how clearly organized they seem, are never exactly well organized.

To organize your thoughts, all you need is some listening space .. in my case this blog. :)

So, no matter how many times she has not picked up my calls (again the need to explain ... she does call back, almost always), I will not give up without going the complete distance. And that my dear, is a promise! :)

Happiness & Destiny

I am happy right now. Much has changed inside me in the last 4 months. I remember the confusion, the pain, the anger and the uncontrolled buzzing of the mind that I had before I attended the Landmark Forum. Even then I realized some things about what was going wrong. But I had no solution to it. And I was absolutely sure that no one else did too. Hence, the Forum did not work like it could have. Although, it did work.

I have been not entirely happy in the last 4 months. I have had flashes of unhappiness too. And then, I felt as nothing good is happening. But, I get this feeling at a lot of times, that whatever happened in the past, was al for some good. I know now, that everything has a time. If things happened before time (as I had wanted), things may not have been same. Things would not have turned out the way they did.

If someone was to ask me 'Do you believe in destiny?'. I would answer yes. But my relationship with Destiny is different. I don't take it as inevitability and feel sad about it. I feel happy about it. I feel there are great things in store for me. And, simultaneously, I realize that there is no destiny. I cause destiny to be the way it is going to be. My Being causes it.