"There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others. "
From the time I saw the movie, I have found myself wondering if it is really bad in being an approval junkie. See ... if you read this dialog carefully, you would notice that it does not say it is bad. But that is how it occurred to me. It occurred to me as something totally loser-ish. So, for a time, I just stopped taking any credit for anything. I went to lengths to avoid getting any 'slap on the back'. But it didn't do any good. Then I thought a little more. I thought .. that maybe Guy Ritchie was wrong (someone had to be wrong, innit?). I reasoned that it is not possible to live without expecting approval from others. It is the ultimate prize, the ultimate thing that drives all human beings on this planet. So what can I do about it? Guy Ritchie isn't stupid, is he? So? ("Maybe I am stupid"). So I thought that by pretending not to be an approval junkie, I could come across as cool. So I started being inauthentic about, what Landmark calls, my 'looking good'.
Landmark told us that everyone is trying to look good, and we are inauthentic about how we are trying to look good. So I read this dialog from Revolver again today. Here is what it says .. "Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late ..". He doesn't say it is bad. He just says that we are inauthentic about it.
We won't even admit it to ourselves. Why?
Doesn't it sound too shallow that you are not really that great but put up a show of being great for others to applaud? Would you admit being shallow to yourself?
No .. because that'll make you look bad.
Why do we need to be present to this fact that we are trying to look good?
I have been thinking on it for some time. What if I am inauthentic about trying to look good all the time?
Well .. if I don't admit that I want other people's approval, then I try to draw power from other people's approval. And if someone does not approve, then it takes away my power. Then who has the real power?
If I admit it, I can control how other people's approval/ disapproval makes me feel. Then I have the power.
If I am authentic about it, then at least I don't have to work hard on covering my inauthenticity. Being authentic about it gives me power. If I am authentic about it, I don't have to add stories and meanings to justify something I did.
I think this topic requires a little more intellectual exercise on my part. It is yet to come up in my Seminar series. Maybe that'll help.
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