The act and the ego

I have realized that almost everything I have done in my life up to now has been determined by my act. I have been my act for most part of my life.

My act, "you are stupid", has always kept me on my toes, to avoid anybody thinking that I am stupid. And whatever I did, WHATEVER, nothing was ever enough. I have been paranoid, thinking of how I could be better than everyone alive. That, I thought, was the solution to all the problems of my life.

For so long now I have been wanting to prove how intellectual & funny I am .. to whoever I could prove it to ... of course without being obvious that I am trying to prove it. It is like you spend one day in gathering information on a subject, and then mention the crux of it, just in passing, in a non-interested kind of way. Lest someone find out that I spent so much time researching, to avoid looking bad. Or rather, to avoid looking stupid.

Every time I have felt anything bad about myself, it always meant I was Stupid, somewhere in my mind. If someone called me fat, then I thought it to mean that I was stupid. If someone tried to explain something which I couldn't understand, I felt stupid. I chose my career, my path of life, everything ... just to prove that I was not stupid. It is simply remarkable how it works.

How did I form my act? In the Landmark they told us that there was a definite moment in the past when it was formed. Before that all was well. I have not the slightest idea when that moment was. Maybe my act prevents me from recalling the exact moment. I don't know if recalling the exact moment will help me or not.

I am now able to catch the act a number of times. Other times, it creeps up slowly and you come to know of it only when it is in control. I was just thinking, that each time I catch the act, I see how it modifies the occurrence of the world to prove me Stupid. But going one step ahead ... why is it so bad to be stupid? The best answers I am able to come up with are: "it is bad ... because it is bad. It is just bad", "everyone knows it", "It is not bad .. it is just not acceptable". Not one valid answer at that.

So, there has to be something beyond the act, that which has given birth to the act. Which won't let you see beyond the act. Which will still retain control after the act has subsided. To whom, it is just not acceptable to let go of control. What is it?

I think it is Ego.

The ego has you do all the things. It gives birth to the act. But why?

Is the act a defense mechanism, which was once needed, but has now gone out of control?

I think yes.

Then the question arises, what is ego?

I came across this brilliantly written article: http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm

I am still reading it. I think it is bridging the gap that I felt existed in my understanding.

Will post more on this in the coming days.

It is a long journey to the real 'I'.