I have been thinking about her a lot lately. On why she didn't call, why she would definitely call, why she won't call, and why I have to call her. More stories than ever. More stories include what will happen when she calls, what she will say, how merry/ ugly things will be then. I have been feeding myself so many stories that it seems impossible to come out of this one right now. I have been assuring myself that I'll come out of it, but the thing is that I am not really doing enough. The stories are such an assurance, so nice that I just don't want to leave them.
My latest racket:
Persistent Complaint: I can't get her out of my head.
Fixed way of being: Sad. Lost. Unproductive. Not in a mood to do anything.
Pay-off: Assurance. Justification of what happened. Proving that I am not stupid (oh, how the act plays).
Costs: Peace of mind.
What I have to let go of: The assurance that the stories give. I don't need false assurances, do I? Then why live in the story and try to make it real in my mind? All is in language. When I am living the story, I am making it real. It is absolutely real then. When I am living a story, it feels that this must definitely be it. But once the story ends, I see where I am after the story and where I am now. And the gap makes me uneasy. Plus the worry that what if it does not happen this way. Then I invent another story. I stop living in the present and just keep on living in my stories. I am just spinning a web. Mind exercise is completely absent.
I have now to do the following. Be present to my inner dialog. Drop whenever I am gong into a story spinning mode.
The reason why I am not living in the present: The reality of the story is so good that I just don't want to come out of it. I am addicted to it. I am enjoying it. Real life seems drab and boring compared to it. The possibility I invented for myself seems distant and unreal now. To drop this addiction, I got to drop the pay-off I get from it. I got to be busy in the present, to stop dwelling in the past.
Future will be what it will be.
I got to remember something. Whenever I catch my act, I just have to be present to the fact that it is trying to prove me or someone else stupid. Just be present to it. I don't have to think if I was actually stupid or not. Stupid is just a meaning. And any meaning can be attached. There are no real meanings to it. Life is empty and meaningless. So, catch your act, and drop it. Don't argue with it that it was not stupid. Just realize that you are the one who gave that meaning. And this is a game (of attaching meanings) where you will lose. Just drop the need to attach meanings.
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