Anxiety

Just when I think I am getting better with my act, it surprises me with it's yet another way of springing up. About half an hour back, my mind wandered on the conversation I'll have with that girl. Sadly I didn't stop the conversation then. So I had a mental conversation considering she says she doesn't like me. The conversation went well (hah!) and I was able to talk with her without my act showing up. But all that was in my head. I was feeding food to my act, my ego.

Immediately after thought the conversation through, I had a terrible bout of anxiety. The same butterflies in the stomach feeling. My mind was shouting "what will happen", "what will happen", "what will happen" ... on and on. I couldn't relate it to my act andhence could not deal with the feeling. So I have been not-so-happy since the last half hour.

But I just realized something. I am anxious about if I'll make a fool of myself or not. Even though I know I won't. I am anxious about what she'll think ("she will think I am such an asshole"). Hah! Just when I thought my act wasn't playing, it manifested itself in a different way. So I just became present to it .. and lo .. the butterflies were gone and I felt happy again. I don't know what she will think, what she won't. Nobody does. She herself doesn't. Not before I have the talk with her. But you let your act play ... and it will alter reality for you. I am amazed each time I catch the act. The whole thing is so beautifully set-up. Flawlessly done.

"The greatest enemy hides in the last place you ever look".

"The greatest con he ever pulled, was making you believe he is you".

"There is no avoiding war. It can only be postponed to the advantage of your enemy".

- from Revolver