Self Enquiry

The only thing that gets me back to the realm of ego these days is the thoughts about her. So here I'll do some self enquiry .. and write all that comes to my mind. Self enquiry: A great mind exercise.

Why do I want her so much?

"I don't know". That won't do.

"I just want her. She is so nice and perfect. We'll have so much fun together". Is that the real reason? I don't think so? Go deeper.

"I don't know how we will be together. But I'll find out right?". Still on the surface.

"It is about winning. If I don't get her, I'll lose. Isn't that it?" I think it is.

Doesn't it sound too hollow that I want to get her simply because I want to win. I am still not able to accept it. I think this is just a random reason I have associated with it. Is it? More self enquiry required.

Another great way of answering a question is to answer it's opposite. What if I don't get her?

"Well, if I don't get her, then I'll feel sad".

Why will I feel sad?

Notice how I talk about it as getting and not getting. Something like achieving something. This is the realm of ego. Longing for something. Wanting something. Trying to get something. So, while I love her, I expect her to love me back. Whence did this expectation arise? Why do I want something back? Love is not conditional in it's definition. Love can exist if she does not feel anything for me. Then why is it that I want something from her? It certainly isn't in the domain of love. So, love is out of this equation.

Then what is it? Why will I feel sad? Isn't this sadness also arising out of the same place that is expecting? Is it not really about winning? Why is trying to win bad? Well .. nobody said it was bad. I attached that meaning to it myself. "Winning is bad because it is coveted so much. Anything that is coveted so much is evil, it is associated with the Ego". Aha! There you go .. you consider Ego to be bad. How amazing. The ego .. which defines what is good and bad, makes you believe that some personality traits are the work of the ego and are bad. Then it changes itself to the opposite of that personality trait and justifies it's existence. When you realize that how it merely changes and does not go away, you realize that there is nothing good or bad. After all, if both are defined by the ego, who is to decide what is good and what is bad? On that realization, the doors of unconditional love & happiness open up. There is no good or bad, right or wrong. Thing just are. And if there is no good or bad, why restrict your love only to the good? And if love is unconditional, then there are no expectation in return, then there are no restrictions on whom you love.

Ah! I feel free again. Self Enquiry is an excellent mind exercise. In fact, I don't know if there is any other way to exercise the mind aside of this. The more you enquire, the more answers you will get, the clearer things will be. The answers are all there inside you. They just need some effort in finding.