The first December post

I think this will be my only post in December. Even though I have felt great every time I have written anything on this blog, I have not written here too often in the last 2 months. From my last post "To organize your thoughts, all you need is some listening space .. in my case this blog".

I have gotten a lot in the past 4 - 5 months. I no longer have too many problems from my past-before-the-Forum. So many things are complete for me now. Heck, I hardly ever even think about it. And, I was struggling with this even after the Advanced Course. What I can realize now is, that if in your thought cycles, you reinforce again & again that your past is complete and that you have no problems from the past, it'll happen. Similar to anything else you wish to reinforce in your mind. You reinforce your thought patterns with negative stuff .. you'll become it. You feed positive stuff to it, you'll become that. And it is very difficult to catch the mind when it is feeding on the negative stuff. You just feel not entirely too happy .. and you start dealing with what is not making you happy. The 'what' being out there, not in here. And when you deal with what is out there, the mind will start feeding more stuff to itself in here. Slowly, these thought patterns become stronger and gain prominence ... under the cover of what is out there. You'll keep thinking about what is out there, and lo! You are perfectly grumpy by then.

Most often the thought pattern I have caught in me is 'I am not good enough'. It would always spring-up in the face of a perceived failure and would reinforce itself in each thought cycle. And when you are being 'I am not good enough', that being produces results that are not good enough. And the results then reinforce your thoughts to even a greater extent.

"You've heard that voice for so long, you believe it to be you".

Why not believe something positive then? Why not believe that you are limitless? Why not believe that everyone in this world loves you (no matter how they show it), and you love them in turn? Why not believe that you are, beyond all doubt, awesome, and so is everyone else?!

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Hmm .. maybe I should have one post daily here. Just a recap of what happened in the day .. and things I got present to. Just to organize my thoughts a bit.

What's up with me?

So ... this is going to be sort of a different post.

My possibility of a relationship with N is still a possibility. I have not been able to achieve much in that area up to now. :(

I have been through sad and happy times, all this while. There have been times when I have had tremendous loathing for everything, and there have been times when I have been literally (figuratively actually!) floating in the air with joy. I have not been able to sustain any of the two mind states for too long.

I feel very stupid in publishing this right now. Ever since I have started this blog, I have been trying to get her enrolled into a relationship with me, and I have not been too successful. Why do I feel stupid? Because I tell myself that this should never have taken this long. That had I been smart enough, I would have realized this possibility much earlier. And then there are all kinds of excuses and explanations forming in my head that I want to write here .. so that if someone does happen to read this post, he does not think of me as a loser. Wtf? Why do I get all this in my mind? Why do I have to come out bright & shining out of every situation? Why can't I accept things just the way they are? Again .. I am now cursing myself for thinking all that. You realize this vicious circle? That no matter what I do, I will tell my self something dis-empowering, or I'll feel entirely too happy/ elated. I need to be just happy in every situation I face.

Regarding my possibility, here are some things I got present to:

1. I have been thinking all along that she likes me just as much as I like her. And when something is inconsistent with that, or when I interpret something as inconsistent with that, I feel unhappy. I have to accept whatever interaction we have as what it just is. Not add meanings to it. Too many meanings, I tell you, entirely too many meanings have been added! Layers upon layers of meanings!
2. Well .. everything else I had thought of .. all basically boils down to that. Too many meanings have been added, o discerning reader!

Here, I feel great again. Why do I ever EVER stop writing on this blog? Just me writing what I think .. it organizes my thoughts in my mind too ... otherwise they just keep swirling around in my head and I catch glimpses and add something here and there. But the thoughts in the head, no matter how clearly organized they seem, are never exactly well organized.

To organize your thoughts, all you need is some listening space .. in my case this blog. :)

So, no matter how many times she has not picked up my calls (again the need to explain ... she does call back, almost always), I will not give up without going the complete distance. And that my dear, is a promise! :)

Happiness & Destiny

I am happy right now. Much has changed inside me in the last 4 months. I remember the confusion, the pain, the anger and the uncontrolled buzzing of the mind that I had before I attended the Landmark Forum. Even then I realized some things about what was going wrong. But I had no solution to it. And I was absolutely sure that no one else did too. Hence, the Forum did not work like it could have. Although, it did work.

I have been not entirely happy in the last 4 months. I have had flashes of unhappiness too. And then, I felt as nothing good is happening. But, I get this feeling at a lot of times, that whatever happened in the past, was al for some good. I know now, that everything has a time. If things happened before time (as I had wanted), things may not have been same. Things would not have turned out the way they did.

If someone was to ask me 'Do you believe in destiny?'. I would answer yes. But my relationship with Destiny is different. I don't take it as inevitability and feel sad about it. I feel happy about it. I feel there are great things in store for me. And, simultaneously, I realize that there is no destiny. I cause destiny to be the way it is going to be. My Being causes it.

Relationships

I am feeling kind of not so happy right now. Why? Here's the deal:

I met this another girl in the Forum (not the Advanced Course). She seemed very sad and hence I decided I'll stick around with her and cause a breakthrough for her, and help her come out of her grief cycle. Now, what I think actually happened was that she sort for developed some feelings for me on the way. She even asked me somewhat hinting-ly, and I told her clearly that it was not my intention. But I think she did not get my point. After the Forum, I sort of avoided her so that she understands and leaves me alone. But I was also nice to her, so if she texted me or called me, I replied nicely. Then for a while she stopped texting me or whatever, and I thought that maybe she was finally over me. But then 2-3 days back she again texted, we chatted a bit and then she sent me 10 texts at one go. I now think that she is still not over me.

As I wrote on this blog earlier, I also met a girl in the Advanced Course (God ... it seems like that is what happens in the Landmark Education!) whom I liked a lot. Sort of same things happened, though the roles were reversed ... I thought we had a great thing going on between us ... I asked her out twice .. and nothing happened .. she hardly ever called back or anything. Now, try as I might, I can not shake off the feeling that what happened with me was almost exactly what I did with the girl I met in the Forum (let's call her Girl A). And I really really liked Girl B. I am still not over her ... though we hardly have any interaction at all these days.

Why do I feel this way? Well ... because of the similarities. But there are some differences too .. and yet I am not seeing them. Am I avoiding action (with Girl B)?

Here is what I have decided ... I'll complete with Girl A first. Tell her clearly that I have no feeling for her whatsoever. Tell her that I avoided her all this time because I didn't want to fall for me. And I am sorry for that. I know how sad it feels to wait forever. I am in that stage right now with Girl B. At least I'll make Girl A somewhat happy. Cause a completion for her. I know if she actually has something for me ... she'll feel very bad when I break it to her. But in the long run, at least she'll move on and find some one else. At least she'll have a closure on this. I know how much it sucks to be incomplete about something.

So .. this is the first action I'll take to cause a breakthrough in this break-down. At least, the scales that at this moment point out that the two cases are equal will tip in one direction. At least one of the case will have closure. Then I'll see the next step I have to take to cause a closure in the second case.

The Power of Now

I was driving to my office today, when I again I had that feeling .. that I was most happy in the moment and the past did not matter. And I realized how it came about. When I had the feeling, I realized that I am totally happy about who I am right now. There are no grudges or resentments. And since I am happy about who I am right now, my past has to be complete. This is because of our inner feeling that who we are right now is because of the past. If you are at peace with who you are right now, then you can be at peace with everything that happened in the past. If suppose you could change one thing in the past, then you must realize that you will not be what you are right now .. because each event in the past shaped you ... and whether you can see it or not, each event directly or indirectly causes your happiness in the present moment.

Now .. how do you become happy in the present? By realizing that the past does not have any influence over you! That the past was in the past and is not happening right now. Search for happiness in the present moment. And be with it.

I know those two paragraphs are sort of contradictory, but hold on to one of them, and the other one follows. Either be totally complete with the past, so that it stops having any influence on you in the present, or realize that the past can in no way actually have any influence over your present and then find that the past is complete. Either way, realize the power of Now and stop giving power to the Then.

Too often we look for sources of happiness in things outside of us. Like buying new things, adventure, relationships etc. But soon after getting that, unhappiness manifests itself again. And then we again try to look for happiness in our environment. This has no end. Ultimately we will die unhappy or in a state of temporary happiness. The reason is that we feel an incompletion inside of us. The incompletion we try to fill with happiness from where we can get. And yet it never gets filled. Now realize this that there is no incompletion in us. The real us is whole and complete. It is the false identification with the mind/ ego that causes the feeling of incompletion. The Being behind it is whole and complete and that is what you feel when you are happy in the present moment. That feeling eliminates all the unhappiness.

Some time back, whenever I was in the state of happiness in the now, my mind would start thinking something like '... but what about the time when that happened .....?'. That was an attempt from the mind to regain control. Now however, I feel my past is complete, and this question arises less & less. It is an ongoing feeling now ... that the past is complete. But the mind has all the tricks up it's sleeve. So now instead of reminding me what happened in the past, it tries to bring limitations from the past into my future. It tries to tell me how I will fail. And temporarily, I feel fear. But then I realize that does it really matter? How can anything make me unhappy or affect me in any way? When I am happy and that happiness is not a function of anything happening on the outside, then nothing in the future too can make me unhappy. The trick is to make this feeling a belief. An unshakable belief.

And then again, the smallest of unhappiness manifests itself in some corner of my mind, without me even being aware of it. And it first starts diminishing the happiness in the now. I only realize it when I feel the smile on my face vanish and my energy drop a bit. But it is so small, that I can hardly feel it. It is only that I do not feel the same ecstasy that I felt in the morning. I mean either I have gotten used to that feeling or there is something trivial at the back of my mind. One of the two. Nothing a bit of mind exercise can not solve.

Enrollment

Right since the advanced course, I have been hearing a lot of the word enrollment. Both in the advanced course, and the seminar series, they kept telling us to have enrollment conversations with people in our lives. An enrollment conversation is a conversation which leaves the listener touched, moved and inspired.

Unintentionally, I have had a lot of enrollment conversations in the last few weeks. I realize that I no longer have problems with sharing my thoughts and feelings with anyone else. I shared a lot with a friend recently, and then with a cousin. And after sharing, it feels amazing. I always thought that people would view you from the past, when you share the past. But people view you as a person who can authentically share his past, and not be affected by it. They also then get authentic. Then the in-authenticities in the space are dropped. My friend now shares with me things she would have never told me before.

Another thing happened. I told this friend and my cousin that I really liked that girl and would love to have a relationship with her. I told them the entire thing. The result is that now I have my own personal coaches who keep advising me on the next thing to do! They are now my support structure. Whenever I feel down, or lost, help is just a phone call away. And that is simply amazing. I also realized a lot of what could have happened between me and that girl, which led to me still waiting for her. Of course it is an interpretation, but I choose to live by that. I think I am very close to achieving this possibility now.

An all together different communication channel opens up when you share authentically. But I think authentic sharing can only come when you are complete with your past. By completion I mean that you no longer resent your past. That there is no pain in the past.

I had an amazing experience this week. I was sitting, waiting for someone, when I realized that when I look back in my life, everything seems perfect. Every time I have ever felt sad in my life or unhappy with a particular situation in the past, I can now see that I learnt a lot in that period. Had I not been fat for most of my life, I would not have been what I am now .. and that is not something I am saying just to complete my past (that would never work). I am writing how I felt. My whole intelligence, my personality was developed because of things like ... like I used found it convenient to read a book rather than go out to play .. and other stuff like that.

In college, once I told a girl I really liked her and she was like "what?". Ever since that was incomplete for me. I felt weird and stupid about the whole thing. I completed with that girl after the forum, and even the whole incident for me is complete now. I know how much I learnt from that experience. And of course .. all this was in the past. None of it is happening right now. Earlier, whenever I would remember any part of that, I would feel stupid and would want to forget it instantly. Now, it doesn't even come up. I realize I did some stupid things and know why I did them. I have no issues about that thing. I am comfortable with it being in my past.

I have never been a religious person. In fact, I gave up on believing God when I was in school. After school, I have largely been confused about the subject. I sometimes felt that there is some Force that drives us, that is the cause of everything. But I refused to believe that there is an old guy up there. After I felt completed with my past, I sort of reconnected with that view. I felt as if everything happened as per some plan. Some larger design. And I then dropped worrying at that moment. If I see my past as great, I can leave it that. When the future becomes the past, it will be great too. I, hence, completed with my God too.

Stories & Reality

I take a step back and look at all the stories forming in my head. The constant need of the mind to identify with some pain or a problem. Cooking up stories to make the problem real. I can hear it still, calling me from the background, trying to convince me the reality of it's stories. It wants me back. It wants me to believe in its stories and realize how real they are. So that I can feel the pain. Association with the pain fuels it. Strengthens its presence.

Whatever happened to dropping it? I have been trying to drop it since the morning, but was not being successful in it. I'll try to do it right now.

What is my possibility? A relationship with her. Then what is the issue? Where is the unhappiness in that? Nowhere! When I stand in that possibility, then I'll not let anything come in between. Nothing at all.

Embrace the Pain

In my last post, I wrote about the dialog from Revolver: "Embrace the pain and you will win this game". Although I have not been thinking about it, I have come to some conclusions about it. I have learnt much since the last time I wrote here, and yet it is still a long way to go. It may not be knowledge that I need more, but awareness.

I realized today that whenever I am identifying with the pain, I always feel weird/ awkward/ stupid etc. In general, I feel bad whenever I am identifying with my pain. When I say identification with the pain, what I mean is that I feel pain of the past as real. Like it is happening right now. I imagine possible outcomes of future dealings to be against me, and feel their pain right now. And the moment I do that, I want to run away from the situation. If the pain is anticipated in the future, I don't want to do that thing. If the pain is in the past, then I want to forget it. I do not mean here that one should keep remembering it, you should be aware of the fact that it was in the past. That there is no pain in the now unless you choose to bring it. Why do we choose to bring on pain in the now when we are actually trying to avoid the pain? But really, what we are bringing in the now is not the pain, but the pleasure of identifying with the pain. What is the pleasure in identifying with the pain? The pleasure of not taking action. The pleasure of not taking responsibility for your future actions. The pleasure of being 'right'.

The pain you expect in the future also comes from the past. The reason you feel afraid of the pain in the future is because you know from the past that the future situation could be painful. A small child approaches the fire & food with equal eagerness, because he does not have the past to inform him about where the pain lies. He just feels the happiness in trying to explore something new.

When I feel happiness call me into the future, there is no hesitation. There is a thrill in going forward. The happiness calls you powerfully. So, I learn, whenever in doubt about the future, connect with the happiness that awaits you. Feel it call powerfully. And then be in the Now. Do not rely on the past. Be complete about the past. In the above example, if the kid learns that there is no happiness in walking into fire, then he will not do it. If he identifies with the pain, then he'll be afraid.

This is it, and it is perfect. From nothing, who I am right now is the possibility of happiness & transformation. Simple yet profound. Change what calls you into the future, and you change your relationship with future itself.

Ah ... I feel light in my mind again. Why did I ever stop blogging?!?!

In everything I see in the recent past when I have felt the energy for something go out, I know that it was because I was just looking at the pain in store for me. Not the happiness.

Trying to get up in the morning has been so tough recently. While getting up, I think 'who wants to early morning for a jog and get tired?'. I need to look at it from the point of how much happy a fit me will make me. Let that call me into action.

In the office, I do not want to work because I feel that there is no point. I stop living in the Now then. I put the pain from my past, into the future, and destroy the now. If I just look at the happiness in store for me at the end of my life, my career, each day, I will not feel that this has no point. The point does not matter. Because I am not doing it for any point. I am doing it for my happiness that I know is there. I hear my inner voice again "but there is no happiness in this ..". And I say "how do you know?". There has to be happiness when I want it. I'll create it out of thin air. :-)

The problem is trying to locate the source of the happiness in the future. Just know that to get happy you need to do it. Not because there is happiness somewhere and you need to struggle for it. Each moment is happiness. The journey is full of happiness, not only the destination. And the journey is right Now. Do not think that the happiness is out there. Happiness is right here. Feel it now and feel it call you into action every moment. When there is happiness now, you cannot be stopped by any pain in the future. The happiness in the Now kills any identification with the pain. Then everything is a game and you want to play every moment, and play hard!

So ... here is what I say.

In everything, every moment, try to find the happiness in the now. Search for it like you lost something precious. Want it like you would want air if you were drowning. Don't change what you are doing, there is happiness in everything. Change how you feel about it. Or even, do not change it, be present to how you feel about it. The identification with the pain will dissolve automatically, and what will be left is happiness & zest. Find this happiness in each moment and there you will have it, your enlightenment.

Good reads

Here are a couple of things I have been reading recently:

1. The Power of now by Eckhart Tolle. Seems great. Found it extremely easy to understand and very well written.

2. This article: http://www14.brinkster.com/jnana/What_is_Transcendence.htm . And other writings by this author. Great work!

The latest

I have been happy in flashes only. Other times I have been anxious/ sad/ etc. about not getting any response from the girl I really liked during the Advanced Course. I have been living in stories, feeding on them, realizing this and then dropping it, then fighting the urge to start another story, finding myself in the middle of one a few minutes later, and so on. My mind is not still, in these moments.

So I started thinking right now, again, why do I want her so much? I mean I'll find another girl whom I like and who likes me . Then why do I not want to let go of the possibility of being with her? I realized that when I think about being with some other girl, I feel sort of incomplete about not having been with this one. Why? And I got the following reply from within: I'll still feel that I wasn't good enough to get her to like me. That will make my relationship with the other girl unreal as well. I'll keep feeling incomplete about it. Why? Because this one didn't like me. Although this has not been explicitly made clear to me, it is my 'interpretation' that I want to hold on to as reality and forget it ever happened. Why do I want to forget it? To forget the pain. (Dialog from Revolver: 'Embrace the pain and you will win this game'). How do I embrace this pain? What do I do to embrace it?

Right & Wrong

I realized this again yesterday, we are too caught up in attaching a 'right' or a 'wrong' meaning to everything. Anything that is not right, is automatically wrong, and anything that is not wrong, is automatically right. We do not realize that we are the ones attaching all the meanings.

I started with this book called 'The Power of Now' by Eckhart Tolle. I was reading it just now when I realized that it is a good book. I inquired within me, as to why I like the book. The answer was because this guy does not say that 'doing this is bad' or 'doing that is bad'. I then realized that no other writer had said so too. I had just attached that meaning to their writings. Some writer says that we are always trying to win the approval of others, trying to 'look good'. I take it as 'looking good is something bad'. But note that the writer had not said so. I then think that he 'implied' so. Well, NO! He may or may not have implied so. This is a meaning attached by me.

Yesterday, in the seminar, the topic of looking good came-up. I realized that if I go the mic to share (feeling confident), I am trying to look good. If I don't go (feeling fearful), I am avoiding looking bad. Then how do I get out of it? I then asked myself, why do I need to come out of it? 'Well, it is bad!'. And I realized that I had attached a meaning to it. Instead of being just present to how I try to look good, I tell myself it is not right to do it.

We are so caught up in right & wrong. But realize that they are not mutually exclusive. There can be no absolute in this. Right exists because something else is wrong. Right does not mean anything on it's accord. Like the two poles of a magnet. Even if you divide a magnet into infinitesimal piece, that piece will have two sides, one a North pole, the other a South pole. That is how right/ wrong or true/false are. One can exist only because the other does. And they are both created by us. Without someone to tell, there are no right & wrong. Right & wrong do not exist. Thing are the way they are. We attach right & wrong to everything. This is the way we become right. This is the way our ego becomes right.

We are all in it. You go through this blog and you'll see that at so many occasions I have meant that Ego is such a wrong thing. I may even have written it explicitly. And now I am telling myself that it was wrong to do that!

Just remembered a quote from the Matrix Reloaded: 'What happened, happened and could not have happened any other way'. It's meaning can alter. The event cannot.

Ego(s)

I have hit on another idea that seems plausible. That there is not one ego, but a multitude of egos. Or maybe the Ego consists of a number of acts. Each act obscures a part of the Real Self.

During the Landmark Forum/ Advanced Course, I was able to transcend a few of these acts, or maybe just one of them. Transcending here means that I became present to them and they ceased to matter altogether. They did not have any effect on me then. Transcending does not mean that I was able to realize that my act was wrong. It was not that I realized that 'I or someone else was not Stupid' (my act being 'you are stupid'). I realized that my occurring of the world was permanently colored by the act. And by realizing that, it ceased to matter to me. That act collapsed then, and I transcended it. The real self shined through that window created in the Ego/ the Identity. And that alone gave me such lightness of mind and the vision. Some of it is getting recreated as I type this.

But the Ego changes very fast. It develops a new act to cover that window. That act start as a transparent glass, so that you will not even notice it being present there. And slowly it will add color to it. So slow would be the coloring that you won't even notice it. And after some time, you will again be seeing the world through the colored glass. The Ego also does this other trick. It will change itself to prove itself right, in a world of right & wrong it created itself. So if you got angry very quickly earlier, it will now try to control the anger, telling you that anger is bad and you are right in controlling it, like what happened when you saw the true self. But it is just a garb that the ego is wearing. When you saw your true self, there was no anger or controlling it. It didn't matter then. Realize this and transcend it. Don't try to change, just be present to it. Just realize what is happening.

When you transcend all the acts, all the egos, then you are truly enlightened.

The Awakening

The unbound love and happiness that I felt after the Advanced Course, it seems that I transcended the ego then. The ego, from what I understand, does not allow for what I felt then.

Did the Landmark Advanced Course cause the coveted Awakening? The transcending of ego?

Then how is it that I got back to relying on Ego? How is it that the real self was not strong enough to deal with the Ego? Is 'strong enough' the right term to use here? Who moved away from the real self? Who was he? I don't remember if I had the feeling of 'I am' then.

Is there a way to partially transcend the Ego? Or temporarily transcend it? Did I really transcend it or did it just temporarily recede in the background, planning the next attack?

I have been worrying that I am losing the grip on what I learnt from the Landmark Education and what I accessed there. However, now I feel that I have really grown in my mind from then. Back before the forum, I had so many confusions in my head. So much was going on all the time in my head. Now I feel very different. There is much more clarity in my head and I feel much more calm. And I feel the more I think, the more I grow. Earlier, I feel the more I thought, the more entangled things became.

After re-reading the last post I realized how beautifully this is set-up. The ego invents right and wrong to make itself right. It abuses the language. In the language, it defines the concepts of right and wrong. It attaches meanings to what it is to be right, and what it means to be wrong. A criminal does not think he is wrong. He has his own ego working on how to project it as right to itself. The moment you go wrong, the ego changes gears. If it is unable to justify it self, it feels shaken and then either manages to justify itself somehow, or it changes.

The thing here to note again is, 'Right' and "Wrong' was invented by the ego itself, just to sustain it's own existence. And we all remain caught in the right & wrong all our lives. If we can go beyond right & wrong, the Ego will cease to exist.

Sri Ramana Maharshi suggests a self enquiry as a means to attain the Awakening. He suggests a self enquiry into the question "Who am I?". Using the above, I am now loosely beginning to understand that the 'I' too is maybe just a concept put forward by the Ego to sustain it's own existence.

I do realize now that the Ego is not evil/ bad. Even it has it's own unmatchable function.

Self Enquiry

The only thing that gets me back to the realm of ego these days is the thoughts about her. So here I'll do some self enquiry .. and write all that comes to my mind. Self enquiry: A great mind exercise.

Why do I want her so much?

"I don't know". That won't do.

"I just want her. She is so nice and perfect. We'll have so much fun together". Is that the real reason? I don't think so? Go deeper.

"I don't know how we will be together. But I'll find out right?". Still on the surface.

"It is about winning. If I don't get her, I'll lose. Isn't that it?" I think it is.

Doesn't it sound too hollow that I want to get her simply because I want to win. I am still not able to accept it. I think this is just a random reason I have associated with it. Is it? More self enquiry required.

Another great way of answering a question is to answer it's opposite. What if I don't get her?

"Well, if I don't get her, then I'll feel sad".

Why will I feel sad?

Notice how I talk about it as getting and not getting. Something like achieving something. This is the realm of ego. Longing for something. Wanting something. Trying to get something. So, while I love her, I expect her to love me back. Whence did this expectation arise? Why do I want something back? Love is not conditional in it's definition. Love can exist if she does not feel anything for me. Then why is it that I want something from her? It certainly isn't in the domain of love. So, love is out of this equation.

Then what is it? Why will I feel sad? Isn't this sadness also arising out of the same place that is expecting? Is it not really about winning? Why is trying to win bad? Well .. nobody said it was bad. I attached that meaning to it myself. "Winning is bad because it is coveted so much. Anything that is coveted so much is evil, it is associated with the Ego". Aha! There you go .. you consider Ego to be bad. How amazing. The ego .. which defines what is good and bad, makes you believe that some personality traits are the work of the ego and are bad. Then it changes itself to the opposite of that personality trait and justifies it's existence. When you realize that how it merely changes and does not go away, you realize that there is nothing good or bad. After all, if both are defined by the ego, who is to decide what is good and what is bad? On that realization, the doors of unconditional love & happiness open up. There is no good or bad, right or wrong. Thing just are. And if there is no good or bad, why restrict your love only to the good? And if love is unconditional, then there are no expectation in return, then there are no restrictions on whom you love.

Ah! I feel free again. Self Enquiry is an excellent mind exercise. In fact, I don't know if there is any other way to exercise the mind aside of this. The more you enquire, the more answers you will get, the clearer things will be. The answers are all there inside you. They just need some effort in finding.

The Ego

I have come to realize that what I thought about the Ego up to now has been wrong. I have thought of ego as something that wants to be right in every situation, something that wants attention, that is responsible for all our extreme emotions like anger etc. Well, that is both right and wrong.

Ego is your very personality. If someone is submissive, then that is his ego that makes him submissive. If he is dominating and angry, then it is his ego that is at work. The real self cannot be submissive or dominating. The Act is also the ego. In fact, the act is a facet of the ego. The act is some belief we have held on to, that gets reinforced over the years. If your act is how the world occurs to you, then it just gets reinforced over and over again, each time you judge the world. It is something like wearing colored glasses. If you have been wearing red colored glasses all your life, would you even realize that all you see is red tinted? Even if you realize the red color, would you know that something without red is possible? The red tinted world would be a reality for you. Reminds me of another dialog from Revolver: "You've heard that voice for so long, you believe it to be you".

The ego keeps manifesting itself again and again. Sometimes it feels hopeless. It feels like I'll never be in that space of peace and calm again. And then, I manage to find it again. The same peace & calm. The clear head. All it requires is a little effort, to see inside your mind. Something that the mind will try to avert. It'll try to stop you. Tell you that it is futile. That you don't even remember. That little voice inside your head, it'll shout out "I don't know" a million times. Go beyond it, and then it is revealed. The ego, the act ... they are caught for what they are. And you get in control again. The real you.

Dealing with yet another breakdown

I have been having breakdowns since 3 days now. Nothing really happens, but I just go into my head and the light feeling disappears.

I have been thinking about her a lot lately. On why she didn't call, why she would definitely call, why she won't call, and why I have to call her. More stories than ever. More stories include what will happen when she calls, what she will say, how merry/ ugly things will be then. I have been feeding myself so many stories that it seems impossible to come out of this one right now. I have been assuring myself that I'll come out of it, but the thing is that I am not really doing enough. The stories are such an assurance, so nice that I just don't want to leave them.

My latest racket:

Persistent Complaint: I can't get her out of my head.

Fixed way of being: Sad. Lost. Unproductive. Not in a mood to do anything.

Pay-off: Assurance. Justification of what happened. Proving that I am not stupid (oh, how the act plays).

Costs: Peace of mind.

What I have to let go of: The assurance that the stories give. I don't need false assurances, do I? Then why live in the story and try to make it real in my mind? All is in language. When I am living the story, I am making it real. It is absolutely real then. When I am living a story, it feels that this must definitely be it. But once the story ends, I see where I am after the story and where I am now. And the gap makes me uneasy. Plus the worry that what if it does not happen this way. Then I invent another story. I stop living in the present and just keep on living in my stories. I am just spinning a web. Mind exercise is completely absent.

I have now to do the following. Be present to my inner dialog. Drop whenever I am gong into a story spinning mode.

The reason why I am not living in the present: The reality of the story is so good that I just don't want to come out of it. I am addicted to it. I am enjoying it. Real life seems drab and boring compared to it. The possibility I invented for myself seems distant and unreal now. To drop this addiction, I got to drop the pay-off I get from it. I got to be busy in the present, to stop dwelling in the past.

Future will be what it will be.

I got to remember something. Whenever I catch my act, I just have to be present to the fact that it is trying to prove me or someone else stupid. Just be present to it. I don't have to think if I was actually stupid or not. Stupid is just a meaning. And any meaning can be attached. There are no real meanings to it. Life is empty and meaningless. So, catch your act, and drop it. Don't argue with it that it was not stupid. Just realize that you are the one who gave that meaning. And this is a game (of attaching meanings) where you will lose. Just drop the need to attach meanings.

Gardener and garden

Out of damp and gloomy days, out of solitude, out of loveless words directed at us, conclusions grow up in us like fungus: one morning they are there, we know not how, and they gaze upon us, morose and gray. Woe to the thinker who is not the gardener but only the soil of the plants that grow in him!

-- from Nietzsche's Daybreak, s. 382, R.J. Hollingdale transl

Happiness

Yesterday, I almost had a breakdown (breakdowns are always just waiting to happen, aren't they?). I messaged one of the (seminar) group members to fix-up the next group meeting. I got an almost-nasty reply. I felt enraged. For a brief moment, I lost all the power to my act, and almost gave in to the anger. But then I stopped. I remembered the scene from Revolver where Jake goes to Macha, drops the gun, and apologizes. I caught my act, became present to my ego working in the background and re-read the message. I realized that she must have been upset already and my message to her occurred in some other way. I resolved to cause a breakthrough for her. I messaged her a most sweet reply - apologizing for the message, promised to call her and inserted a smiley too.

I called her later that evening. We talked for about 30-35 minutes. Not even once in the conversation did I let my act play. The results ranged from good to amazing. In the end, I had to hang up because I had to go with a friend. But I could see that I made some in-roads. I told her about my stand for her, about causing breakthroughs where she had breakdowns. I asked her to treat me like her best friend. What was amazing was that since I did not let my act play, I did not even mind what ever she was saying. I did not get irritated or agitated even once. I had a lot of power in that conversation (not my act). And above all, it felt great to have that power. It felt great after the conversation was over. I realized that her being happy gave me a lot of power.

I remembered just now:

"From nothing, who I am right now, is the possibility of Happiness & Transformation".

Sometimes I think I should change to:

"From nothing, who I am right now, is the possibility of Love & Happiness".

But Happiness is always there. It calls me powerfully into action.

Anxiety

Just when I think I am getting better with my act, it surprises me with it's yet another way of springing up. About half an hour back, my mind wandered on the conversation I'll have with that girl. Sadly I didn't stop the conversation then. So I had a mental conversation considering she says she doesn't like me. The conversation went well (hah!) and I was able to talk with her without my act showing up. But all that was in my head. I was feeding food to my act, my ego.

Immediately after thought the conversation through, I had a terrible bout of anxiety. The same butterflies in the stomach feeling. My mind was shouting "what will happen", "what will happen", "what will happen" ... on and on. I couldn't relate it to my act andhence could not deal with the feeling. So I have been not-so-happy since the last half hour.

But I just realized something. I am anxious about if I'll make a fool of myself or not. Even though I know I won't. I am anxious about what she'll think ("she will think I am such an asshole"). Hah! Just when I thought my act wasn't playing, it manifested itself in a different way. So I just became present to it .. and lo .. the butterflies were gone and I felt happy again. I don't know what she will think, what she won't. Nobody does. She herself doesn't. Not before I have the talk with her. But you let your act play ... and it will alter reality for you. I am amazed each time I catch the act. The whole thing is so beautifully set-up. Flawlessly done.

"The greatest enemy hides in the last place you ever look".

"The greatest con he ever pulled, was making you believe he is you".

"There is no avoiding war. It can only be postponed to the advantage of your enemy".

- from Revolver

Beyond the act - Thinking aloud

My act, 'you are stupid', changes my occurrence of this world. Someone laughs at me, and I think that they must think I am stupid. Right now I am thinking that I am stupid for writing this on the blog. I have been trying to 'not to feel' like this all the time. I have been successful too, in pushing those feelings under the carpet. Trying to feel that it doesn't affect me. But at some level, it always did.

The thing to note here is that why is it that I am always triggered by this statement? How is it that it always affects me so much? Is it the ego? My the reflection of the society says that being stupid is the worst of it all? How can I stop it from affecting me?

I become present to my act and that helps a lot. But then I am changing the occurrence of the world to me. But I see no way of accepting the occurrence as it is.

On the other hand, when I become present to the occurrence, am I really changing it?

Got it:

Being stupid is against the society. It makes you different from the rest of it. A stupid person does not conform to the specification laid down by the society. Being a misfit shakes your other self - the ego center created by the society in you. Hence being stupid is always a bad thing in my mind. It may not be 'stupid' for you. It could be something else. But it is just that. The moment you stray from what the society wants from you, your center is shaken and you feel bad. This is how it works. This is what gives birth to inauthenticity.

Appreciation

I had this weird feeling yesterday. Someone was appreciating me, telling me that I was awesome, in front of 5 other people, and I couldn't take it. I mean it felt good, but I was not feeling my usual calm during that time. Happened with me before too. What was at play? What happened there?

I didn't know how to react to it. I said thank you, thanks a lot. Even appreciated her back. But then it felt weird. Why did that happen? How is it that I managed to 'feel stupid' even when I am getting appreciated?

Here is what I think happened:

When she started appreciating me, it felt good. But I was afraid that if I felt too good about it, it would show on my face and the rest of the people will think that I am someone who loves hearing praises and can be manipulated by appreciating. Someone who can be inflated with some appreciation. A stupid person?

So here is what happened. I got appreciated at length. I felt good, but my act started playing then. Hence the weirdness.

My problem in life

Going back a bit, I remembered today morning that the Forum Leader told the guests on the Tuesday evening that whatever is the reason you don't want to do the Landmark Forum for, that is the reason that stops you in life. My reason was that it is a loser-ish thing and I don't need it, because I am not a loser. The exact reason why I have stopped myself in life at so many places. Works wonderfully, doesn't it?

The thing is, you probably won't admit the reason to yourself. Or, you would come up with at least a couple of more reasons to support your reason. Reasons that will be acceptable to the majority of the society and make sense to you. But the real reason is actually just one. It is difficult to find out this reason. Just requires a bit of thinking on your part.

Exercise is important

All seems to get lost without an exercise of the mind. Today when I woke up, I felt lousy. Well, to be exact, I felt like the way I felt before the Forum/ Advanced Course. In my mind, the Advanced Course seemed like eons ago. But unlike after the forum, I didn't panic. I knew I would come back from this one. A bit of thinking, and I felt better again. The morning stiffness vanished too.

Plans

I have had my ups & downs since the last week. One thing is that I just can't get that girl out of my head. Not that I want to anyways. :)

So I had the following thoughts this morning:

I realized that what happened was that she didn't call. And she didn't call because she didn't call. There is no meaning to it. But I have been trying to attach meanings every day. Every day, my meanings switch between 'it has something to do with me', 'it has something to do with the circumstances' or 'it has something to do with her'. And there are 10 new stories that I come up with every day. Things that 'could have' happened to give a result to what happened. Or, the meaning of what happened. But actually, the story and what happened are totally different. I have no way to find out the reason of what happened except by talking with her. And she did agree to go out with me, but I have made that agreement unreal as well.

So I have decided that I'll give her a call if she doesn't call this week. My act is shouting from the background that it is a very stupid thing to do. But I am on to my act. I won't let it get away with it. It has me almost convinced that it is a stupid thing to do. But, I'll do whatever it doesn't want me to do. :)

I'll call her next weekend and ask her to meet me. I am going to enroll her into meeting me. And if things don't work out, then at least I will know what really happened. Or they could just work out, yeah? So I hereby commit not to be in the boat of assumptions (she didn't call because she didn't like me or I'll make a fool of myself by calling her a third time or anything like that). I'll sail in the boat of knowing what caused me to fail, if I do fail at all.

My act almost stopped me. 'I won't call her a third time because it makes me look stupid'. And I didn't even realize that this was my act's doing. It was real for me. I will see this through to a conclusion.

Ah! 30 minutes away from the keyboard and my mind is already attaching meanings to her not calling. It is telling me that see "I am attaching all the positive meanings .. I am giving you hope, don't kill the hope at least?". It is looking for food to live. I won't give it the food. Not today!

Importance of Communication

I had my Seminar Group meeting yesterday. There I realized one thing. It is very important to communicate the conclusions you have arrived at and the possibilities. When you communicate the possibility you have invented for yourself to others, your own thought process becomes clearer. A lot of times, I think I am clear on something. But when the mind thinks, it skips certain parts and makes you feel that those have already been taken care of. So while the thing is still going round in your head, there may not be 100% clarity. When you start communicating or writing that, it becomes clearer. The reasons you had for skipping a particular step of deduction becomes clearer and you realize that maybe the deduction was not so obvious.

Hence, I think that writing and/ or communicating is a great way of increasing your clarity of mind. While writing, you can write down only your perspective. There is no questioning of the ideas. Writing is certainly better than just thinking about it, but it cannot compare to sharing it with others.

The real deal

I read on the internet at a lot of places that in Landmark education, they always tell you that the real deal is the next course. Before the Forum, I thought that that was a wonderful marketing technique. Show them the cherry and convince them that there is a cherry farm if you come along.

The problem is not that they are showing you the cherry and promising you the cherry farm. The problem is that you don't believe that there can be a cherry farm. This thing is we all are programmed to search for the 'catch'. That is how we feel intelligent. We will take so many decisions after knowing what the catch is. But any decision without knowing the catch comes across as walking into a trap. We have been programmed to not to accept the things the way they are. There has to be a meaning attached to it. So what do you do if you don't find the catch? You think that this is such a well laid trap that the catch is not apparent. But the thing is that there could be things which are what they are, without any catch. Yet that is unacceptable in your reality.

Our relationship with money is also screwed. We think that best things in life are free. We really believe in that. So everything that costs money is not that good. The mere fact that someone is earning money and promising you good out of it is unacceptable to us. Hence, you will find people criticizing Landmark only on account of the kind of money they are making. Yet, if the same thing is done under a guise of free education, supported by advertising or something like that, we would have no problems. Then we would not like to check as to how much money is coming from advertising and grants and all that. Now it comes across as a corporation charging money for doing good. And Corporations for us mean profit making machines. We consider profit as a bad thing too. How can someone have good intentions if they want to make profit, isn't it? Hence all the non-profit organizations of the world are the best, including organizations founded in religion. Yeah?

The red pill and the blue pill

That article I mentioned in my last post, it was really good. It was written by Osho. Had I known of the writer before reading the article, probably I would not have read it. I am kind of biased against all the gurus. But the article was brilliant. It was well written, in simple language, and covered the subject well.

So after reading the article I realized the choice of the red pill and the blue pill (from the movie Matrix). The choice is between living with the ego or going beyond it. Living with the center that the society created for you (from that article) or finding your true center.

Have I really arrived at a place that gives me this choice? And are these the only 2 options available?

I have been thinking on these lines since yesterday.

I feel that the blue pill, living with the ego, that is where Landmark Education works. It helps you develop tools for dealing powerfully with miseries generated by the Ego. Another way of looking at it could be that it makes you present to the doings of the Ego. But it doesn't teach you to transcend the ego. That article tells you to just be present to your ego. And in being present to the ego, one day you'll transcend it. If I go by that article, I realize that it is not about the two options. It is the option of - when you choose to follow the path to outside of the small clearing that the ego is.

Is transcending ego same as the much sought after enlightenment?

That is what I have come to understand.

What I have also come to understand about Enlightenment is that you become happy in yourself. You don't have to base your happiness in someone else then. While that opens up a possibility of unbound, unconstrained love, it closes the possibility of a relationship between two beings, based on love. I am not sure I am ready to sacrifice the possibility of that. I realize that I am so much attached to that possibility, that the moment it opens up for me, I become blind to everything else. It is the ego at play. The search for a powerful center, a center that will support my center and will in turn get support from me. Even though it sounds mumbo-jumbo, if you haven't read the article, know this that it is simply wonderful how a romantic relationship works on the level of ego. I am too attached to this one thing (this is a racket, in Landmark Lingo ... the pay-off being justification and the cost being true happiness).

I also found that I have been trying to change myself a lot, since the time I have done the Advanced Course. Instead of being present to the way ego behaves, I have been trying to change what I consider the work of ego. I make ego bad and then use it to do good. I have been trying to be humble, not realizing that even that is my ego.

I started out by just being present to the act. But slowly I tried to change it. I analyzed each moment and tried to change the "you are stupid" to "you are awesome". But it is very difficult to change that in the mind. Even when the mind accepts it, it never is at rest with just that. I am still not sure whether that is the correct way to go or not? I mean everything is born in language .. so if I change the occurring in the language, I can change the miseries it causes. But then I am going into what is good and what is bad. I am a bit confused. Requires more mind exercise on my part.

UPDATE: Got it! All I am doing is changing the meaning of the situation. But is there a real meaning to it? No! Life is empty and meaningless. We are the ones that attach all the meanings. So it is enough to be present to the fact that you attached a meaning to it. Changing the meaning will not solve any problem.

The trick is to remember this distinction correctly and use it.

Rackets

Rackets was the theme of my last Seminar.

Just thought of a nice example of a racket I indulge in, from time to time. Sometimes when I am making a point, or presenting my strong opinion, I'll say "that is what I feel/ understand" at the end of the statement. You know why I say that?

Payoff: Being right even if my statements are proved to be wrong.

Cost : Not coming across as an authority on the subject. Coming across as unsure.

The act and the ego

I have realized that almost everything I have done in my life up to now has been determined by my act. I have been my act for most part of my life.

My act, "you are stupid", has always kept me on my toes, to avoid anybody thinking that I am stupid. And whatever I did, WHATEVER, nothing was ever enough. I have been paranoid, thinking of how I could be better than everyone alive. That, I thought, was the solution to all the problems of my life.

For so long now I have been wanting to prove how intellectual & funny I am .. to whoever I could prove it to ... of course without being obvious that I am trying to prove it. It is like you spend one day in gathering information on a subject, and then mention the crux of it, just in passing, in a non-interested kind of way. Lest someone find out that I spent so much time researching, to avoid looking bad. Or rather, to avoid looking stupid.

Every time I have felt anything bad about myself, it always meant I was Stupid, somewhere in my mind. If someone called me fat, then I thought it to mean that I was stupid. If someone tried to explain something which I couldn't understand, I felt stupid. I chose my career, my path of life, everything ... just to prove that I was not stupid. It is simply remarkable how it works.

How did I form my act? In the Landmark they told us that there was a definite moment in the past when it was formed. Before that all was well. I have not the slightest idea when that moment was. Maybe my act prevents me from recalling the exact moment. I don't know if recalling the exact moment will help me or not.

I am now able to catch the act a number of times. Other times, it creeps up slowly and you come to know of it only when it is in control. I was just thinking, that each time I catch the act, I see how it modifies the occurrence of the world to prove me Stupid. But going one step ahead ... why is it so bad to be stupid? The best answers I am able to come up with are: "it is bad ... because it is bad. It is just bad", "everyone knows it", "It is not bad .. it is just not acceptable". Not one valid answer at that.

So, there has to be something beyond the act, that which has given birth to the act. Which won't let you see beyond the act. Which will still retain control after the act has subsided. To whom, it is just not acceptable to let go of control. What is it?

I think it is Ego.

The ego has you do all the things. It gives birth to the act. But why?

Is the act a defense mechanism, which was once needed, but has now gone out of control?

I think yes.

Then the question arises, what is ego?

I came across this brilliantly written article: http://deoxy.org/egofalse.htm

I am still reading it. I think it is bridging the gap that I felt existed in my understanding.

Will post more on this in the coming days.

It is a long journey to the real 'I'.

The Seeker

The seeker is he who is in search of himself.

Give up all questions except one: ‘Who am I?’ After all, the only fact you are sure of is that you are. The ‘I am’ is certain. The ‘I am this’ is not. Struggle to find out what you are in reality.

To know what you are, you must first investigate and know what you are not.

Discover all that you are not -- body, feelings thoughts, time, space, this or that -- nothing, concrete or abstract, which you perceive can be you. The very act of perceiving shows that you are not what you perceive.

The clearer you understand on the level of mind you can be described in negative terms only, the quicker will you come to the end of your search and realise that you are the limitless being.

-- Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Just read this wonderful article here:

The Power of Context and the Courage to Create

Joe Dimaggio, Landmark Forum leader

The instant the ball rolled between Bill Buckner’s legs New England broke into a collective moan. Mets fans uncontrollably squealed with glee. Then it was over and there was only silence. Local taverns packed with people watching Game 6 of the 1986 World Series suddenly filled with malice and fans walked away leaving money on the table. Boston’s long awaited world championship was there—and then it was gone. All that remained for Red Sox fans was the grim certainty of an inevitable loss in Game 7 and more proof that this was not the year.

The Red Sox didn’t have a chance. This team and its fans didn’t recover from such defeats. Never had and never would.*¹

Sports fans have a tendency to get attached to the games, the players, the seasons. The players, larger than life, are personal heroes; they pull the curtain back on greatness and let their fans play a part. But in Boston, that was not to be. For many years, whatever momentary hope Red Sox fans may have had—thinking perhaps this time they could win—was eclipsed by their team’s continual string of losses. It was the conversation in their neighborhoods, their schools, their families, even among their politicians. They knew they’d blown it in 1918 by trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees, and since then they just couldn’t get back to the top. The state of affairs for Red Sox fans was a hard, cold reality—the way it was. The context hovering over them was that “the Sox” weren’t winners. (Luckily, I was a Yankees fan.)

We’re defining context here to mean “a fundamental set of assumptions”—assumptions that are not recognized as assumptions, and that go unquestioned—in which the world happens. When people thought the earth was flat (an analogy that grows old but never dies), that was a context or worldview that limited perception and behavior—how those folks saw the horizon, how far toward the edge they sailed, and so on. Similarly, our way of being a man or a woman, and the possibilities available to us, are given by the assumptions embedded in our culture, our language, and times in which we live. A girl born in the U.S. today would likely inherit a very different possibility for being a woman than a girl born in the 1930s or ’40s—would she be a dot-com mogul or running for president?

So if you consider the premise that the whole world happens inside of the assumptions we hold true (and if you do the math), what becomes apparent is thatcontexts are a mighty and decisive force. Contexts come to us by default, and we live our lives essentially unaware of their existence and of their far-reaching influence. It’s like wearing blinders—we don’t see the contexts themselves, we see only what they allow. These default contexts determine our worldview: what’s possible and not, what’s true and false, what’s right and wrong, what we think we can and can’t do. They travel with us—wherever we are, they are—shaping our behavior, our choices, our lives.

Just as these default contexts can be what keeps us limited and stuck, created orinvented contexts can allow for freedom and power. We’re not talking, however, about substituting one context over another, or finding a better context or the rightcontext. Rather, it’s about becoming aware of and responsible for whatever context we are functioning inside of, and realizing that we have the power not only to invent contexts, but to move freely among them.

History is strewn with examples of times when major advances happened as a result of new contexts being created. Democracy, equality, relativity, human rights—new ways of understanding the world—were at some point, newly distinguished contexts. The Copernican revolution abruptly dislodged humans from the center of the universe, ushering in modern astronomy and the scientific revolution. Newtoninvented gravity (certainly, before Newton, there was a physical force, but he transformed the possibility of that force), enabling us to understand and interact more powerfully with the physical universe. Einstein created relativity—a context that catalyzed modern physics and tells us how nature behaves on the scale of apples, planets, galaxies, and on up. At one time, human rights, as we think of them today, simply didn’t exist. Kings had rights, priests had rights, and the ruling class had rights, but the majority of human beings—and often, certain specific groups within a society—did not. In each of these examples, some person or a group of people saw through or past “the way things were,” or the way they “seemed to have to be.” The act of doing so, and saying so, reshaped the course of events and redefined human experience from then on. And we then began living into those possibilities and the “truth” of the world was transformed.

And so it is with being human. We take for granted that things are a particular way; we think it is our circumstances, our cultures, the content of our lives that determine our experience. And if we want some kind of change in our lives, we usually go to work on changing the circumstances—essentially moving the contentaround. (Not surprisingly, we then end up living content-driven lives.)

Living from an invented context has just as much impact and command value as living from a default context—the difference, however, is the difference between a life of predictability and a life of possibility. The answer to the question “what’s possible in being human?” doesn’t need to be looked at through a default lens. Seeing past our old assumptions about “the way things have been” or the way we thought “they had to be” and creating a context of our own choosing alters the very nature of what’s possible—and the truth of “our” world gets transformed.

An invented context is essentially a realm of possibility. And we have the wherewithal to create that realm simply by our saying so. Language—what we say (silently or aloud, once or repeatedly, to ourselves or to others)—has the power to shape reality. When we know our conversations constitute who we are, it shifts our relationship to the world. The shift does not necessarily get rid of the lens or filters or mindsets per se, but what occurs is that those old assumptions simply stop defining who we are. Context known in that way is never inherited, never a matter of acculturation, never a matter of something we picked up, never a matter of accident—it’s always and only a matter of our choosing. Choice is a uniquely human condition. “The stone and the tiger have no choice of life: the stone must gravitate and the tiger must pounce. Only human beings are faced with the mind-boggling responsibility of having, at each and every moment of their lives, to choose what to do and what to be. It is both a necessity and an invitation.”*²

In 2007 the Red Sox became World Series Champions for the second time in three years—and had the most dominant postseason run in history.

*¹Glenn Stout, Boston Baseball, September 2004
*² Harry Eyres, “Tyranny of Choice,” Financial Times, 11/2/07 (citing Jose Ortega y Gasset, in his essay “The Mission of the Librarian”)

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Mind & Body

The mind & the body have a deep connection with each other. The mind can easily control the way the body feels, because the 'feeling' part is carried out in the mind. Here is what I have experienced from time to time:

Last year I started getting these severe back-pains and had to quit the Gym for some time. Then, whenever I began weight training, the pains would re-surface. A lot of doctors proposed a lot of theories. Some doctor said that I may be suffering from 'Fibromyalgia'. Fibromyalgia is a syndrome, wherein, the patient feels wide-spread pain, especially at particular points. Cutting the long story short, I was sure I had it. Otherwise, there is no formal diagnosis available to check.

In a recent car trip, I was a bit skeptical about the amount of driving, because I usually get the pains if I drive for more than a few hours. I drove 13 hours on the first day and there was no pain at all. I didn't even notice it that time. Then at one point in the trip, I was really worried about my car's underside hitting the road (very bad roads). I had just been driving for about an hour or two when I felt the first pain. And then I realized that the pain had little to do with physical stress ... it was all in the mind.

In the advanced course, I asked that girl out. She didn't call me and then when I asked her out again, she postponed it by a couple of weeks. I didn't even realize how anxious I was. I lost my appetite. In the 6 days that followed, I had less than a meal each day. And I didn't even realize that it had anything to do with it. Then, one day, the realization hit me, that I had such a huge crush on her and that I was so anxious about it. Immediately I felt better. My appetite was back and now I am fine (still not ok with the things with her though).

The point here is that the mind has a firm grip of the body. And if your act controls the mind, then it can control your body too. And you'll never even know.

I read some amount of text on Vipassana meditation. They made it sound magical when someone claimed to have treated diseases by meditating. Now I believe it to be possible to a certain extent. Both the mind & body are very powerful. It is just the question of realizing the power and using it.

I read some text by Sri Ramana Maharishi yesterday. I then realized that even though I have been able to push the act to the background, it is far from gone. It is still lurking there. But it is a start! Self realization or enlightenment will follow when it is gone completely. I have just started on this path .. but I'll reach there.

Dealing with a break-down

I went out with some friends yesterday. Everything was great, but sometime during the evening, my act took control. I didn't even realize when that happened. All I knew was that I was feeling miserable, uncomfortable & and a bit afraid. And as hard as I tried then, I was not able to deal with the breakdown. I couldn't even think. All I could hear was my inner voice shouting at the top of it's volume. It was going berserk. All I could think about was my opinions & judgments about others and what they must be thinking about me. There was no reason to panic. But it was a turmoil inside me. I couldn't even understand what was going on then. Of course I felt 'stupid' .. my act was in control, and we have not been the best of pals lately. :)

So I was feeling even more miserable today morning. Everything that happened yesterday seemed to point out that what a fool I had made of myself, even though nothing like that had happened. My act was shouting out loud: "now you know why you need me?", "I am your best friend", "no life without me", "you need me", "that landmark thing can't make you look cool, it makes you look like a complete idiot", "we used to never fucking lose before. And look at you now ..", "I ... am .. your best fucking friend". I was at my wits end. I didn't know how to end that voice. So I just thought how I dealt with break-downs before.

I tried to re-read the blog. But this blog helps only when I am writing it. When I am writing each post, I am just writing whatever comes to my mind. That increases the clarity in my mind. But when I re-read it, my act makes it unreal. It makes it look like a story (plus it points out all the typos as well). So after each post I re-read .. I would hear in my mind "not helping is it? Nothing will .. you cannot live like this ..".

So here's what I did (like the last few times):

I started recounting the previous day's events. I started from the time I felt the first breakdown. But my act won't let me remember anything. Again the same conversation. Again the same forgetfulness and the enveloping hopelessness. So I concentrated more and somehow arrived at the first event I remembered from the day. Then I began recounting how I felt at that time. Finally I arrived at the exact moment the first breakdown happened. And then in each scene of the story, I began to see how my act ("you are stupid") changed the occurrence of the event. Just doing this exercise automatically separated the 'what happened' from the 'story'. When I opened my eyes again, I felt much better. There was a final try from my act (to avoid remembering the rest of the day's events), but I overcame that and recounted all the events.

I caused a breakthrough. I feel great again!

And now I am confident that I can cause breakthroughs again & again. Time to develop some muscle in this area now.

A breakdown

I just had a small breakdown. A very minor one. But I immediately knew, because whenever I am in that breakdown space, I feel like running away from the office.

So, putting aside all my work, I tried to think on what really happened. As soon as I started to recount the events, my little voice jumped in and it just won't let me think. It kept on saying things like " .. but ultimately this is what happened ..", "is there a point to it?", "why are we doing this?" and "we are wasting our time". And all these conversations just won't let me think. My head felt heavy again,and I felt miserable. So I left everything completely and did a little mind exercise. I concentrated on the complete sequence of events. And there it was ... the reason I had taken the action in the first place. The story came crumbling down. It fell flat on it's face. Just needed a bit of mind exercise. And that is what we usually escape from.

Now I feel the lightness again. The clarity of thought and happiness.

What is completion?

In the whole of the Forum and the Advanced Course, you hear a lot of the term 'completion'. For almost all of the Forum, I couldn't understand what it meant. Even in the beginning of the Advanced Course, I felt I had only a vague idea of it. But now I think I know exactly what it means.

Here's what it does not mean:

• Accepting that someone was right in the past and you were wrong, even if you still don't feel that way. Nope that is not it!
• Telling the person that you always thought him to be stupid/ bad/ whatever. Not necessarily.

Completion is all about letting go of the past. It is about re-joining the bonds you broke because something happened. I don't need to complete with George Bush, even though I feel he was wrong. That is because there is no bond between us. But I would complete with someone I only briefly met, because in that moment I felt a bond with him/ her. Completion is about re-establishing that bond. It is about brining the possibility that relationship offers, back in life.

After the completion, your relationship with someone should be extraordinary. No taints of the past. If you are in that space with someone, then you are complete with him or her.

To my act

"Oh, I know you're still there... cause I can feel you dying. I can hear you tapping me... for a little nutrition. Now who's looking for a fix? It gets a little tight in here, do you? Well, you're not wrong... cause the walls are moving in. No food here. Not today, sunshine. My eyes are open and the restaurant's closed. Jog on. Slide off. Find someone else to fill your pipe. Someone, who won't see you coming... or know, when you're there."

- Jake Green in Revolver.

Approval Junkies

From Revolver:

"There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty puss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others. "

From the time I saw the movie, I have found myself wondering if it is really bad in being an approval junkie. See ... if you read this dialog carefully, you would notice that it does not say it is bad. But that is how it occurred to me. It occurred to me as something totally loser-ish. So, for a time, I just stopped taking any credit for anything. I went to lengths to avoid getting any 'slap on the back'. But it didn't do any good. Then I thought a little more. I thought .. that maybe Guy Ritchie was wrong (someone had to be wrong, innit?). I reasoned that it is not possible to live without expecting approval from others. It is the ultimate prize, the ultimate thing that drives all human beings on this planet. So what can I do about it? Guy Ritchie isn't stupid, is he? So? ("Maybe I am stupid"). So I thought that by pretending not to be an approval junkie, I could come across as cool. So I started being inauthentic about, what Landmark calls, my 'looking good'.

Landmark told us that everyone is trying to look good, and we are inauthentic about how we are trying to look good. So I read this dialog from Revolver again today. Here is what it says .. "Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late ..". He doesn't say it is bad. He just says that we are inauthentic about it.

We won't even admit it to ourselves. Why?

Doesn't it sound too shallow that you are not really that great but put up a show of being great for others to applaud? Would you admit being shallow to yourself?

No .. because that'll make you look bad.

Why do we need to be present to this fact that we are trying to look good?

I have been thinking on it for some time. What if I am inauthentic about trying to look good all the time?

Well .. if I don't admit that I want other people's approval, then I try to draw power from other people's approval. And if someone does not approve, then it takes away my power. Then who has the real power?

If I admit it, I can control how other people's approval/ disapproval makes me feel. Then I have the power.

If I am authentic about it, then at least I don't have to work hard on covering my inauthenticity. Being authentic about it gives me power. If I am authentic about it, I don't have to add stories and meanings to justify something I did.

I think this topic requires a little more intellectual exercise on my part. It is yet to come up in my Seminar series. Maybe that'll help.

Enlightenment

Here is my experience. This is how I came to be spiritually inclined.

I drank some potent bhaang, earlier this year. Now what bhaang does to you is, it allows you to focus your mental faculties on a particular thing. And it is very difficult to un-focus your mind then. I just happened to just notice that my brain was behaving in the most wonderful fashion. It was drawing connections all over my mind. Every incident of my mind was seemingly getting connected to some other incident, all in random fashion. It was superb. So I just began exploring the working of the mind. In the end I arrived at the conclusion that my mind was the creator of this world. My mind was everything. Nothing else existed or mattered.

All that may sound like some drug induced madness, but I remember clearly deducing everything. Each step was a logical step after the last one. It seemed maddening and wonderful at the same time.

I happened to come across a text on Vipassana meditation then, which was again based on the mind-body connection and the power of the mind over everything else. It was very interesting.

During the Landmark Forum, and the advanced course I realized how powerful the mind is. It builds a prison, lives in it, and then laments that is has been imprisoned. It is wonderful how it works. Is it the avoidance of mind exercise that leads us in that direction? It is my guess. The mind is so afraid of the labor of thinking excessively, that is simply makes up a world of it's own. It alters the reality for itself, gives reasons and meanings in everything, and then lives in it without exercise, fat and comfortable.


From Revolver:

“You do all the hard work, and I just help you along. The art is for me to feed pieces to you and let you believe you took those pieces because you are smarter and I am dumber. In every game and con there is always an opponent and a victim. The more control a victim thinks he has, the less he actually has. Gradually he will hang himself. I as the opponent just help him along.”

“the formula has infinite depth in its efficacy and application. But it is staggeringly simple and completely consistent. Rule one of any game or con, you can only get smarter by playing a smarter opponent. The more sophisticated the game, the more sophisticated the opponent. If the opponent is very good, he will place his victim inside an environment he can control. The bigger the environment, the easier the control. Toss the dog a bone, find their weakness, give them just a little of what they think they want. So the opponent simply distracts the victim by getting them consumed with their own consumption. The bigger the trick, and older the trick, the easier it is to pull. They think it cant be that old, and it can’t be that big, for so many people to have fallen for it. Eventually, when the opponent is challenged or questioned, it means the victim's investment and thus his intelligence is questioned. No-one can accept that. Not even to themselves. You’ll always find a very good opponent in the last place you would ever look.”

Who are you?

This was the earliest question I remember our Forum Leader asked. A simple question: Who are you?

Are you your body? This meat bag? What if you lose a hand? Will you be a little less of you? No? Then who are you?
Are your your thoughts? What if someone puts a gun to your head? Your thoughts will change immediately. But you won't. Then who are you?

You are not your body. You have a body.
You are not your thoughts. You have thoughts.
Does 'I' really die? Or is it just the body?

I had read concept before Landmark. I had partially understood it then. I am still trying to grip it. But the concept in itself is very powerful. For if you know the real you, would you ever let the act play? Would there be any misery then? Nisargadatta Maharaj and a few more like him claim to have achieved enlightenment even, just pondering on the question: "Who am I?".

Sympathy

Sympathy is just a story we make. It is not real.

Sympathy is mostly confused with two emotions - Love or Pity. People who confuse it with love, tend to offer and expect other people's sympathies. People who confuse it with pity tend to avoid sympathies and don't like it altogether. Pity too can sometimes be confused with love.

Sympathy is always an attempt in sincerity. And sincerity is just an act.

The possibility of love

I met her yesterday. She looked beautiful. I couldn't get to sit with her though. And she had some other guy who was with her. I felt a bit not-so-nice about that, but it didn't matter much.

Evening went by as planned. After the end of the evening, just when she was leaving, I had the following conversation with her:

Me : "So how about that coffee? Tomorrow?"

Her: "Tomorrow my mom is coming over, then I got office, then I'll be leaving for my home in xxx city. I'll come back in 2-3 weeks"

Me : "Ok ... give me a call when you do"

Her: Something like "Sure" or "ok" or "I will".

I don't remember clearly what she said in the end. I wasn't 'listening'. We said a Goodbye, and that was that.

So my mind started to make all kinds of stories. First it wanted to totally kill the possibility of any relationship with her, to avoid this pain in the future (quote from Revolver: "He hides behind your pain Jake."). Then the mind made up a story that it 'meant' she didn't want to go out with me, or that she didn't like me and my act chipped in with 'you are stupid' thing. First the 'you are stupid' to think she felt anything about you in the first place, then 'you are stupid' to doubt her reasons. Then it began giving me hope with other stories ... the what if scenarios.

I felt like the possibility closed on me. But then I realized that all this drama was in my head. She said what she said and that was exactly what it meant. All other are stories. The future too will be what it will be. It will either work or it won't. No stories or meanings can cause any of these to happen.

Above all, the possibility of love is not closed.

Catching the act

Yesterday, I did something which later proved to be wrong. Immediately my act came up. It told me that I was stupid to have done that. When in that zone, I even forgot the reason why I had taken the decision.

A couple of minutes later, I was doing some other work and the act had subsided. Without any thinking, I just began explaining why I did what I did, and it was crystal clear then. It was a decision taken based on something, and not because I was my act.

Catching the act is pretty difficult. Training to do that is my aim.

What is Landmark Education?

The Education is a set of distinctions, some formulas you can say. It has infinite depth in its efficacy and application, but it is staggeringly simple and completely consistent. That is why everybody gets it. But there is always more. Turn it into an intellectual exercise and you begin to realize that the rabbit hole goes much deeper.

Have you seen the movie Revolver by Guy Ritchie? The movie deals with a lot of what they give you in Landmark Education. The ideas presented in both are simply brilliant.

The act

There are so many negative reviews about Landmark Education. People go through the education and then their act proves that everything was wrong. The act cannot stay in the background too long unless a conscious effort is made to make it stay permanently in the background. Once it comes in the foreground, it clashes with everything you did while it was in the background. There is an inconsistency then. How do you resolve an inconsistency? Well ... one thing has to be wrong, one thing has to be right, and you should have all the correct reasons to prove it wrong. So, when the act is in control, it causes the whole Landmark thing look like a sham to justify what it did. If it does not do so, the inconsistency will remain and you will not be able to rest. At this point, if the 'you' takes over, it'll accept what the act did and you'll be at rest again. If the act takes over, it'll prove you wrong. The act makes (or rather proves) the possibility, an impossibility. And it tells you how everything you learnt then, was wrong. It fills meanings in an empty and meaningless life. It gives you a 'reasonable' life. It is comfortable. You want to live it because there is less head pain, less effort in taming your act. Isn't it simply beautiful how this works?

So one can definitely ask the question: who is right, the act or you?

I answered it by asking myself which of the two made me more miserable. The answer was simple. And then I realized that there is no right and wrong.

Crisis

A crisis that is bigger than your current crisis, helps you deal powerfully with any of the current crisis. If your reason to be on this planet, your vision, is bigger than anything else, will you really stop to look at little problems. Will you get stuck anywhere?

If someone you love is seriously injured and in the hospital, will you stop if your car breaks down?

What crisis did I chose for myself? I want to transform this world now. I want everyone to realize what true happiness can be, free from constraints imposed by self. That is my true calling.

Reality

We have a very poor relationship with reality. Most of the time we think we are present in reality, we are actually living in the past or the future as a function of the past. We are never in the now. And this causes your identity to screw-up everything for you.

What I saw in the Forum Leader was that he has an amazing relationship with reality. He is able to control when to go into the past and when to be in the present. Hence, he is able to understand almost anything anyone has to say. I found myself sometimes interpreting what someone just said in my own way, but the Forum Leader got it exactly as meant, almost every time. Other times, nobody got anything.

What I got from the Landmark Advanced Course & Forum

SPOILERS ALERT: Please do not read this unless you have done the Advanced Course yourself.

On a Friday morning, I sat in the auditorium, unsure of what I had signed up for. I was sure it would be incredible, but I had simply chosen to forget what I got in the Landmark Forum. Hence, I was a little skeptical. But what happened in the next three days was extraordinary.

We discussed that the Advanced Course works at the level of group/ community and not at the level of Individual (like the Landmark Forum). Like the Landmark Forum, we were asked to keep completing with people we hadn't as yet, and also to enroll other people in the possibility we created for ourselves.

I was very apprehensive about this completion and enrollment business. I almost hadn't completed with anyone in the Forum. I had still got the popping feeling on Sunday night of the Forum though. The feeling of being truly at peace. The feeling of being transformed. And here is how that had happened. I remembered the girl, to whom I had confessed being nuts for. She didn't feel that way and from that time on, things had been very awkward between us since then. I always thought that she must think of me as a total loser for doing what I did, and never talked to her too much after that. But while driving back from the Forum on Sunday, I realized that it really bothered me that we weren't communicating and that all the loser thing was just a story in my head. I also thought that she must have been impacted by that thing as well. I decided to complete with her and was absolutely sure of what to say. As soon as I thought about it, a possibility opened for me and I "popped". What a night it was! I wanted to call everyone there and then, talk to them. I hadn't felt happier ever. So I wrote her an email and asked her to talk to me on Skype. I could barely get to sleep that day.

The next day I lost the possibility that had opened up for me and I felt most stupid. I couldn't even go online the whole day in fear of running into her. I was devastated by what I had written to people the night before. And in my mind, I just threw the whole experience of Landmark Forum out of the Window. I just concentrated on holding on to the 'popping' feeling .... without wanting to actually think what caused it. I couldn't remember what I had created for myself in there.

But my relationship with my mom definitely improved. I became present to her world, and the helped me breakthrough. So I took her to the Tuesday evening. Attending the Tuesday evening, some of the Forum came back to me and I felt better. On Wednesday, I finally met that girl on chat and completed with her. I told her all I had thought of telling her, for completion. It worked! The possibility opened up again and I felt relieved to the core.

I had signed up for the Advanced Course on Tuesday, because my Coach said so, and I believed him.

The month between the Forum and the Advanced Course had its ups and downs. I realized that the two areas in my life where I felt loss of power were that even with many girlfriends, I did not have any intimate relationship with anyone. I had never had any in the 25 years of my life. Also, in my business, I never felt like doing too much, and blamed my dad (who is with me in the business) for it. I was putting in 50% in my business.

My Seminar series started, and those helped me get in touch with the Forum again. I began analyzing the problems. In my business I realized that it was the relationship with my dad that was troubling me. In my other problem, I always had this thing: Whenever I met a girl, I would judger her to be either too good or worthless. I felt stupid in approaching an awesome girl (my judgement) and didn't want to approach someone whom I deemed worthless. So all my energies were spent in being perfect in everything, so that I always come across as awesome. It wasn't working at all. I used the same judgement evaluation on myself and would always end up feeling loser-ish in something or the other. And I never realized this vicious circle.

So, after about a month, my Advanced Course came up. My favorite Forum Leader, BS Sodhi was leading it. I was excited purely on this account.

It began with Sodhi telling everyone to have completion and enrollment conversations. This time, however, I was much more coach-able than in the Forum. I knew the power of this education and the power in me. So this time, I did the assignments mostly, all the time. What followed, blew me completely.

The first day, the divided us into groups. The division was done row-wise. There was a girl sitting 4-5 seats down the line, in the next block. I quite liked the way she looked and I wished with all my heart that she be in my group. For once, God listened to me! She and I were in the same group. So in the subsequent meal break, I struck a conversation with her and I found her to be a wonderful person. I liked her! No evaluation judgments whatsoever.

The first day we learnt about how the world occurs to us, the action we take as a result of that and the result that action produces. The Distinction was simply amazing. Very profound, like the rest of the Advanced Course.

Anyways .. I remember if I did the first day assignment, but I can't remember what it was. I think it was about having an enrollment Conversation with someone. I remember calling up my dad in the morning on the Second day. It was like the most difficult thing I did. I felt so utterly stupid in doing it. But my coach had said that I had to do it, and my group & my buddy gave me a lot of courage, so I finally did call him. I told him that at times I thought that he thought that I was worthless and stupid and that it was there in my mind at a certain level. I told him I loved him and was sorry about not putting my 100% in the business. I committed to him that I'll now put my everything into the business. He was happy. When I hung up, I felt so relieved and light that I cursed myself for not having done it earlier. It feels wonderful in reliving that moment now too.

I then called up a friend, who had gone with me on my Forum's Tuesday evening session. I shared with him the possibility I invented for myself and told him what he could gain from this education. It felt great to finally be so authentic about it.

So, the second day progressed. Sodhi told us what Enrollment really meant. People shared things on the mic. I was sitting almost next to that girl I liked. It was fun and great. Sometime in the afternoon, I noticed that that girl had a couple of rings on her right hand's ring finger. My heart sank. I finally liked someone, could talk to her, saw a possibility, and here she was, most probably engaged. My only hope was that the correct hand for engagement rings is not the right hand, but the left hand. I thought I'll text my friend in the next break to confirm the correct hand in which engagement rings are worn. But just before the next (long) break, I noticed that the rings were actually on the left hand. Then my heart sank, like properly. I was like half dead when I went to the meal break with her and the rest of the group. I didn't enjoy the meal at all, even though I was sitting with her. It was because, I had closed the possibility for myself. But still, this time I thought that I'll go ahead and ask her, rather than live with a possibility I closed based on an assumption. So when I came back, I asked her if she was engaged. To my surprise, they were just normal rings. No engagement or anything. I could have stood-up and danced then. The possibility was wide open!

So I decided that now I'll take more chances and ask her out. I was, in my opinion, not getting negative vibes from her. I would have interpreted them as positive, but I had been wrong about that before. Anyways, my occurring about her was that she liked me too. So I planned that 'asking out' for the meal break on the third day. Her occurring for me from then on became awesomer and awesomer! I sat next to her on a number of occasions then and it felt so great.

That night I called up a friend in US and had a long chat with her. I told her about Landmark and also told her how much I appreciated and treasured the friendship with her. It felt wonderful. It was like as if a new communication channel opened between us. I told her about this girl in the course and the whole engagement ring thing. It was wonderful. We kept chatting till almost 3 in the night (about 1 hour). I finally had to hang up because I had to reach for the third day at 9 AM the next day.

Of course I reached on time the next day. :)

The third day of the Advanced course is unparalleled. It is the day probably none of the participants will ever forget. The third day is simply brilliant.

Third day we got the distinction of the 'Ultimate Test of Reality' (after Personal & Interim tests on day 1 & 2). We had a meal break after that and finally the big moment had come for me. After trying to work up the courage several times, I stopped working on the courage part and went to her straight and asked her if she was seeing someone. She said no (!!!!). So I asked her if she would have coffee with me the next day. She said sure, but that she was busy the next day, and if she would be able to make it, she would give me a call. I was like in the seventh heaven. She asked me what had coffee got to do with seeing someone, I told her that I was just asking. :)

We had our meal then and contrary to all my expectations, nothing was awkward! I quickly finished my meal and then called up my two friends to enroll them in the possibility I had gotten. I also felt that as many people knew about it, their intentionality in me achieving that would be there. Plus it felt great and wonderful.

So I called up my friend who had attended the Tuesday evening of the Forum with me, and told him about it. It felt great to me because earlier I had been inauthentic about the whole thing and always felt awkward in sharing such things with friends. He was happy for me and said that he would love to do the Forum as well! I then called up another friend and shared it with her. I first completed with her, told her about Landmark Education, told her how I much appreciated her friendship, and what always held me back in expressing it earlier. The conversation was great and my friendship with her now is simply extraordinary.

It is wonderful to think now that everything I did was because of my act: "You are Stupid". My act pervaded through all the areas of my life. ALL the areas. Everything I did was determined by this act. Every time I saw someone new, my act would come right up. It either told me that this someone new is Stupid, or if not, then you are stupid. I never shared most of the things with anyone because of this. It is wonderful that I know it now and can alter my occurrence of this world.

After the meal break, the best part of the day began. We discussed how everything arises from Language. Language is the source of the occurrence of the world and our reality. Reality cannot exist without Language. Language is the source of reality. What power it gave me? It gave me all the power in the world.

I went to the microphone for the first time in the entire course (Forum + Advanced Course). It didn't feel stupid, weird or anything. It was like I could have been talking to one person, 160 people or the whole world. It didn't matter then. I was at peace and had all the power. There was no fear. Fear was a story written by me. If I could use Language to take my power away from me, I could use it to give myself all the power in the world. So I went to the mic and shared that if Hitler could use Language to enroll almost all of Germany to kill people, I could enroll all the world to save itself. I had my Vision in front of me clearly. I shared how the Forum was incomplete without the Advanced Course. In fact, Forum is just a tool to make you ready for the Advanced Course. Advanced Course is simply amazing! I shared how I 'popped' in the Forum an then felt 'un-popped' the next day. I tried to enroll everyone in the possibility of what they could get from SELP. It felt out of this world then.

One thing to remember. Language here does not necessarily mean Hindi or English or any other language. Language could also mean something we express ourselves in or the language we use in our thoughts.

After that, we did an exercise to remove fear of being with other people. This exercise was extraordinary. My fear was already far removed, but people had a completely different energy after the exercise. On my part, I felt like dancing after that exercise.

Finally, the time came for the final thing in the Advanced Course. The time to Invent ourselves. That moment was profound. The energy in the room after this was unbelievable. Everyone was jumping, hooting, applauding, people won't leave the mic alone!

I sat with her again and spent the final moments of the Advanced Course with her. I, along with most of my group (and her), registered for the SELP for the same dates.

Finally the Advanced Course ended at about 1:30 in the night. After that I felt that I had forgotten everything (part of my act), but no. Everything was there and it all came back I am not letting it go the next time.

Today we have the Tuesday evening of the Advanced Course. I was supposed to have my big first date yesterday, but she didn't call. And she didn't call because she didn't call. There is no other meaning to that. We are meaning making machines, something I learnt in the Forum, and would like to give meaning to everything. But no, she didn't call because she didn't call. Life is empty and meaningless and we are the ones who attach all the meanings.

Today I am going to ask her again for the Coffee I was promised. I'll enroll her into the possibility of being with me (!!!). This possibility I won't let go.

What I wanted to Get from Landmark:

• A breakthrough in the way my business was going and the way I felt about it.
• A change in how I felt when I met new people.
• To have an intimate relationship with someone.

What I got:

• I realized that the way I felt about my business had every thing to do with how I felt about my dad.
• I then realized that how I felt about other people had everything to do with my act. Infact, every time I felt powerful or powerless was due to my act. It is wonderful how when your act gives you power, you start to rely on it, and then it takes away your power too. It is like someone you consider your best friend stabs you in your back. "The greatest con he ever pulled was making you believe he is you".
• I finally have what it takes to work on beginning an intimate relationship. How I go from there is to be seen.
• I have realized that from the Business point of view, probably, me and my father's Visions are not the same. That is a major worry. Unless that is aligned, we can not continue doing this. And I feel no fear in the eventuality of us going separate ways in terms of Business.
• "From nothing, who I am right now, is the possibility of transformation & happiness".
• I want to go on and become an Introduction Leader now, to enroll everyone in the possibility of happiness through transformation.